RLSteve,

Sounds like you are in a tough & lonely place. Going through all that you have does have an impact but it is possible for you to overcome it. I'm sure many people on this MB will attest to this (no cans involved please!)

If you haven't yet, I encourage you to read through the various threads in "Your story from inside scientology". These may help a bit.

I'm much your senior but have felt very similar feelings to what you are expressing at times in my life. I'm not an expert by any means and wish I had the magic cure to point you in the right direction. Find a good friend to confide in - sharing your thoughts with someone who genuinely cares can help a great deal. It can be a process though.

Creating friendships and doing things you love may help you discover yourself and the greatness inside you.

I no longer believe in the reactive mind, per scientology data. Just know life can be tough, but it can also be wonderful. Sometimes it just takes awhile to discover this.

All my best to you.

lucy

"The truth is, I just feel like I'm messed up and I'm so unconfident, maybe it really is my reactive mind, I don't know. My aunt is trying to convince me that auditing can help me."

I don't think so! I think all the scientology crap caused you to feel bad in the first place. It does that to people.
They think they have a MU, they think they need to write up overts and withholds. They think they need more auditing. They think it must be an SP. They think it must be their reactive mind.
And on and on....

The real problem in your life is scientology.
It takes some time to get life back together, but I believe you can do it!
Scientology is not the answer. Scientology is the problem!
It is a scam and a trap and it makes people all messed up and they think "everyone else is ok but me, maybe the next level will fix it."

Steve, your story is really important and so are you. If you ever feel suicidal again, please get in touch with one of the professionally trained suicide counselors in your area. I don't know if you're exactly in King County, but here are some of their listings:

+WA&radius=0&latlng=47606388,-122330833,16743250939286908875,King County Suicide Services

If you are not in King County, do a google search for 'suicide' and your 'county'.

You may not be feeling suicidal at all now, so please ignore the information if you don't need it.

For someone who has been through what you've described in your posts you seem to have a pretty good grasp of what you don't want in your life, but don't yet have a firm grip on all the good things that are out there for you. I really applaud you for coming this far, starting a career, and for getting back with your family. I think it takes some courage to do that, though I can certainly see what pressure you feel from your aunt. And the temptation to go back to "the devil you know."

We all have that tendency at times in our lives, you are certainly not alone in that, it's human. Try to give yourself some credit for how far you've come and not be so hard on yourself for what you haven't done yet. You're young, and have plenty of time to do the things you need and want to do. Outside of scientology there is no one telling you what to do and when to do it - that's freedom. That freedom can also be a rather scary thing if you haven't experienced it before. It's hard to walk away from something like you have, and good for you for having the strength it took to do it.

Keep us posted, Steve.