I'd say that for many people it is easier for them to take themselves out of Scientology than it is to take Scientology out of themselves.
That sounds glib, but I can give you an example of what I mean from my area i.e. computers.
Here is the scenario:
Someone tries to login whilst he is standing and fails. Yet every time he sits down to login he succeeds. Every time he stands up again to login, he fails.
There's no big mystery here. What has happened is that someone else has swapped a few keys around. The person logging in is a touch typist. So when the person is sitting down, he is not looking at (or thinking about) the keyboard. When he is standing up however, he is looking at the keyboard and pressing the keys that correspond to his login (and gets it wrong of course).
I can't give you any advice, because I have not lived your 40 years. I can answer questions though. But to the question: what would I do if I were in your shoes? I can only give you one answer, and that is, I haven't got a clue.
If however you think I have something that you can use, then you've got it, no strings attached.
Sometimes one can be pleasantly surprised by people and not just disappointed. The last time that happened to me was with Terril.
He agreed to meet up with MissDorfl and I (or if you follow the conventional "wisdom" of the board here or on FACTnet I met up with Terril with myself and I - in fact considering the amount of people I have been accused of being, Terril met up with about half of the board and I).
Apart from the Scientology bit, which I don't agree with, he is a really nice guy. Even with regard to Scientology, he was very open, and didn't try to dodge and weave or snow-job me. In other words we disagreed honestly, and I had a really good time.
I won't say what we talked about, because that is personal*, but I came away with the feeling that we had had an open and fair exchange of views (Terril would have to tell whether he sees it from that perspective or not) and I would go as far as to say that I would consider him to be a friend.
That's the way I look at people. It's the way I look at you. I see the massive amount of things I respect and admire about you (not least your ability to make me laugh when I read your posts on FACTnet or even on this thread - and I know that the humour is intentional). As long as the good bits outweigh the bad bits, then I am willing to take the bad bits into account.
What I don't do however is try to change those perceived "bad bits".
I would not want you to kill yourself for very selfish reasons, and that would not only be the loss of a friend, but also the loss of that friend's contribution to my life and enrichment thereof. I would lose a person who can make me smile at will, without even trying, even in his own darkest of hours.
I know that isn't something that should be a consideration for you in the decision you are making, but if I don't say it now, I may not have a chance to say it later.
*MissDorfl won't talk to me about what she discussed with you, because it is none of my business, there again I have not asked her because, as I said, it is none of my business.