and hated.

Just saying.

Dude, haven't you heard the whole story? When I had the horrible vision of how the future was going to turn out, I decided that if Jesus could suffer for everyone's sins, so could I.

It was the stupidest idea I have ever had and I am deeply ashamed. But I have to tell you, if you felt the energy and saw the things that I saw, right in the middle of the shallow superficial majorly sheltered time in my life (where i'd never even seen a homeless person starving on the street) You might have reacted the same way.

See, you guys just don't pay attention. If you did, You'd realize that I'm only trying to get this stuff out of my head and off my chest. Its been embarrassing me and making me feel bad for years.

And everyone punishes me for it, which is probably making me feel better.

I really have been trying to find a way to tell people about it, but when the story first came out it was like a little kid screaming and crying after they'd been hurt and some of it came out kind of incoherently.

But, I swear, as God is my witness, the stuff that I tell you guys that happened to me, did happen to me.

I don't even want to be this person, I'm not bragging by a long shot, or asking to be worshipped or asking for glory or recognition.

I'm just like a scared little kid who wants to tell someone about something scary that happened to them.

That's pretty much it. I don't have a madonna complex, or a Jesus complex or religious delusions (You can't fault me for having deep spiritual beliefs, that's not necessarily religious delusions, I think I thought I HAD to do what I did, I didn't seek it out).

I just tell you guys what I experienced and pretty much empower everyone to say what they will about it.

Every little bit helps. Everytime someone says something, it gives me an opportunity not to get angry and to respond by just talking about it, again.

Sometimes it makes me feel sick to my stomache how so much could have happened through me. I wonder how so many are able to avoid curiosity altogether and never have these wild journeys with the universe and its energy of love.

WTF?

There are no professionals who specialize in helping people deal with spiritual problems.

I have spoken with many therapists about this and I have told everyone here, at great length (see a few months back, its some good shit for my thread), how many shrinks I've seen, and what happened.

You guys have the memory of a squid, because each time I tell you what happened, and how my experience went (roughly 15 years of therapy) you forget that, because, well.. your interest is purely "Who are we trying to keep in our section of the playground" and those kinds of things aren't looked upon in great depth.

The problem is not being able to tell a mental health professional, the problem is being able to tell REAL people about it, to share the story and to be able to face the grinding "unwanted discovery" reaction.

Which is what happens when people look at something they do not want to see, they shut down and say that the person needs to be sheltered somewhere else, given special treatment to suddenly make them "more like everyone else" and they insist, because they don't understand it, that I'm crazy.

Do people all insist that George Anderson, Dannion Brinkley and Sylvia Browne are insane? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY.

Do I need help straightening out my energy? Absolutely.

The therapy that i require is referred to as "lightwork" and since I don't subscribe to the religion of purifying white people for the purposes of making them better corporate slaves, I don't really need therapists anymore.

I went to a psychic yesterday, while I was in town and she told me so many things that were really accurate. She said that reading for me, because of the negative energy that constantly surrounded me, was like reading for two different people. ON the one hand, I have the energy that I got from that vision and the energy that I am supposed to be doing (my normal life path that was subverted for this spiritual mishap).

And she said that all my energy systems are all out of order because of that and often I make bad decisions based upon working this energy out, instead of following my regular life path.

She suggested a therapy that involves candles, chanting, etc.

I'm not going to go and she could see that in my eyes immediately. She said that I'm just wasting my time with this. I told her that since it happened, I was afraid to let the energy go, because I didn't know where it would manifest and I feel responsible for it.

It was an interesting conversation.

I'm aware that most of the people who posted in this thread are not into and do not acknowledge the value, place and validity of my spiritual belief system. I kind of really do not care, because I gain strength from people's reactions. I learn to stop believing them and again, rely on myself.

And I remember just how forgetful people are and that we've been on this round-a-bout several times about whether or not I "desperately need help".

BTW, I am so sensitive to chemicals that traditional pharmaceutical therapy doesn't work for me. The only thing that worked slightly was Luvox and what that did was take away the memories for a while. It stopped the tapes from playing and re-playing in my head and is probably very valuable for someone who needs to concentrate on a job.

I've only recently gone back to work and absolutely am so disinterested and removed from the emotions of these events now, that I do not need help concentrating anymore. I like my job and have no trouble getting into it. In fact, I get too into it, from years of not being able to do that I love it so much.

And all without the help of one single shrink, this year, two things have helped me the most.

A) The intervention of someone I considred to be very important, who gave me encouragement, several e-mails, said nice things about my writing and who offered to read several of my friend's scripts. I realized that I could pursue my dreams and my life was not indeed over, even though I started my life very late in the game (because of the tangent I went on)

B) Being able to deal with the idea that many people will think I'm crazy, but still knowing that I'm not. Accepting my own spirituality and not accepting the assertions of others that my spirituality is crazy and that I'm crazy for believing it. That's why we have freedom of religion in this country. I also accept that what I did was harmful to me, and that it wasn't right, according to the spiritual system I have because martyrship is an illusion based upon ego. The illusion is that you believe that you are helping someone by taking upon yourself, their bad karma or energy.

C) I also learned that people LOVE to use people like me to make themselves feel smarter, better and more "sane". That people love to find comparisons where they can see how someone's life was much worse than theirs and how that person has so many worse and stupider problems than them, that they actually relish the idea of that comparison and take every opportunity to re-play that comparison, making them feel a whole lot better about their own miserable lives.

That is wrong, it helps nobody and only puts off the learning process for all souls involved.

So, I learned some valuable lessons about spirituality from this experience. Some of those lessons would never have been learned from a psychiatrist or psychologist, of which I have seen many .

Are you sure you didn't already re-post my diatribe from my live journal about the ten shrinks that I'd seen over the years? I thought you did.

Oh well, its there if you want it. Have fun!

DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

I was so sure your next thread was going to be titled "do you rape babies?".

Well i suppose critics get it wrong sometimes

Please tell me thats the title of your next thread Ender.

I promise i wont tell anyone!

I can show you that there are. Check your inbox.

Do you rape babies? Is that your thing? I should've known.

Thank you. I see. I don't delight in the sowing of discord.

Well I don't hate you, nor do i wish to discriminate. I'm all for you having your religion. I just wish you're church stop the lies, hate, bigotry, blackmail, court system abuse...etc.

Scientologists are really good people, but people like you give them a bad name when you come on here and spew bullshit and have nothing to bring to the table.

We'd really like to talk to you about you're beliefs, but you won't let us. We truly are understanding and compassionate people who want to help you. You can't come on here and talk shit and expect us to be nice to you.

Didn't you just complain about us whining?

I'm not talking shit. And I don't need help, but I figured that you folks do.

Absolutely.

I'm feeding you some of your own medicine.

Next time you are on a message board and you see a post by somebody who you think is a troll, and you feel you must reply, simply write a follow-up message entitled "Troll Alert" and type only this:

The only way to deal with trolls is to limit your reaction to reminding others not to respond to trolls.

By posting such a message, you let the troll know that you know what he is, and that you are not going to get dragged into his twisted little hobby.

The Internet is a splendidly haphazard collection of both serious and silly material. Because it is so free, there are bound to be problems. I think that we can best enjoy it if we deal with everything that happens online with a wry grin and a ready shrug.