My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Share your personal experiences with others. We're not here to judge or criticise, but to share and support.

Moderator: Dorothy

User avatar
heyjupiter
Posts: 171
Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:58 pm
Location: UK

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by heyjupiter » Sun Jan 26, 2014 7:33 pm

Its a Wogs Life - your story is very touching. It makes me feel ashamed that I couldn't deal with their interference and spoke out and thus lost my partner. I knew so much though that eventually I felt I was being deceptive with him because I was reading books and material on the Internet that I just couldn't discuss with him. I just couldn't bear the lack of openness- it turned me into someone I didn't much like. You are a very strong and loyal person.

It's a Wog's Life
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Jan 20, 2014 8:50 pm

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by It's a Wog's Life » Sun Jan 26, 2014 8:09 pm

heyjupiter - You are very kind. Please don't beat yourself up. Ultimately, you have to be true to you and your deepest values. No one else can decide for you what that looks like. There are a million scenarios I could imagine where I would make a different choice... and there are days when I wonder if I'm the coward for choosing the path I have.

My spouse is kind, funny, smart, caring, generous and a genuinely good person, as are others I've met in scientology. We have a long history together. There was a time when I was very confrontational and it nearly cost me my marriage. That was a years ago in a different city. Most days I am grateful beyond words that we survived a really rough patch (brought to us courtesy of the meddlers at the org). But there are days when I wonder what life would be like now if I'd simply walked away.

S/he has a past history of traumatic events that, I believe, the church has preyed upon and worsened to their benefit. There are not many things I might call evil - that is one of them. It's a fuzzy line - caring enough about a person to understand their pain and fear and the desperate need generated by a cult and being willing to remain in that space with love and kindness..... and then knowing that my silence might allow the church to exist even one more day and suck in one more person. It's part of why I say what I can here and in other places like this. Because I can't speak out openly IRL without endangering my family. And it's why Mindless' post spoke to me. What would I have done if I'd read this when we first started dating? There's no way to go back and know..... but I wonder.

And, oh my yes, the things I know that I can't share, or even hint at. I do say things obliquely though about stats in general and how they need verification, about blind adherence to any belief, about corruption in all organizations of any size. Things we agree on in general terms. I don't know if they get past the scientology firewall to a place of critical thinking. I often think the scientology training short circuits critical thinking. I doubt that if s/he knew everything I know it would make a difference anyway. Some people are true believes - loyal to the last breath. I really wish I knew, though, what s/he knows about things going on in the scientology world. Do they talk about those things at the org in order to colour them a certain way? Or do they just hope the members won't stumble across information? Harder and harder to keep it hidden in this day of global connection.

Wog's Life

Don Carlo
Posts: 11769
Joined: Mon Jul 25, 2005 6:20 am

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by Don Carlo » Sun Jan 26, 2014 9:06 pm

If you are hiding your internet searches and posts from her, you should, every night or big break, erase the history from your web searches, or have short or no archiving of internet searches. Don't even have an automatic password to critic sites. If her scientology friend snooped, and went to OCMB, and the laptop automatically logged him into the message board, then you are outed.

User avatar
heyjupiter
Posts: 171
Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:58 pm
Location: UK

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by heyjupiter » Sun Jan 26, 2014 9:23 pm

My ex was a great person too- but not when he was being a scientologist. There was always a tangible separation of the two personalities. I am certain that scientology preyed on him most in times of personal crisis. A loving partner is a barrier to dependence on scientology- you are always viewed as a threat to resources. I have lost count of the times friends and family berated me for putting up with his treatment of me when he was being cold, belligerent and controlling. I knew where this was coming from though and I realised that if I walked away from him- it would only push him further in, and that is what has happened. I agree with what you say about global connection. He has no internet or TV and never reads newspapers though, so he will be harder to reach. Mindless post spoke to me too, and I'm afraid I was maybe a little too overbearing in my response. Looking back though, I wish I had been more aware of what I was in for because it has been a very painful and emotionally damaging experience. I invested all my time and care and love , hoping that he would do the same. There was no fairytale ending though. The worst feeling is the shattered self confidence- the realisation that you were not good enough to be put first. That I will carry for a long long time.

It's a Wog's Life
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Jan 20, 2014 8:50 pm

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by It's a Wog's Life » Sun Jan 26, 2014 10:34 pm

Ahhhh..... the "not good enough" demon. Yes, I understand.

Many people have talked about members' reliance on scientology as akin to an addiction and I agree with this. I've been in relationships of all sorts with addicts of all kinds (work, sex, religion, alcohol). I spent several years looking at my patterns of behavior and how I made it possible for these people to have so much influence and control in my life. At one time I studied addiction at a professional level. Even with my history I didn't see the parallel until someone on another board pointed it out. Once they did it was obvious. It also made me stop and look at the people I know in scientology in a different light.

I always kind of thought many of the scientologists I knew were a little ..... victimish..... for lack of a better word. Not all of them... but many. I also discovered they all had fairly significant trauma in their backgrounds - abusive parents, poverty, educational difficulties/shaming, etc. But isn't that true of so, so many people? I didn't really think about it much more than an initial observation.

Addiction is not behavior. Addiction is an underlying faulty belief system stemming from past trauma that says, in essence, I am worthless, no one could ever love me the way I am, I must hide my true self, and <this thing - fill in the blanK with alcohol, drugs, sex> allows me to momentarily forget the terrible pain and emptiness I feel virtually all the time. The behavior - drugs, sex, alcohol, religion, etc - is the symptom of the underlying faulty belief system.

So, when an addict finds *that thing* that allows him/her to momentarily forget or numb the pain *that thing* becomes, in a way, more important that anything else in the world. Addicts choose different behaviors or substances depending on their physical/mental/emotional make-up. What makes one person forget momentarily may not work for another. Pair that, now, with scientology. I'm not saying all scientologists are addicts. I am saying if the person in question demonstrates an overwhelming *need* to have this thing in spite of any and all collateral damage it is certainly a possibility. The techniques and teachings of scientology are a fertile breeding ground for creating that kind of desperate need in someone seeking to numb their pain.

It is not ever that you are not good enough. I know if feels that way. Your ex's inability to love and care for you in the same way you did for him was a function of his failings - never yours. It was his pain around how he felt about himself and his terror of having to face that pain without the crutch of scientology that made him unable to be fully engaged with you in an intimate relationship.

And, yes, I know the next thought is often, "but if I was good enough I could have helped him get over it/through it/out of it." An addiction professional colleague of mine once said: "When someone decides to get well nothing will stop them. Until they decide to get well nothing you do can make that happen." It's true - you can't argue someone out of an emotionally charged need and you can't love them out of it either.

In more distant relationships with family, friends, coworkers it's sometimes easier to set and maintain healthy boundaries about how vulnerable you will be and the kinds of behavior you will allow. It becomes much more difficult to do so in your intimate relationship. If your partner was behaving with coldness and anger toward you it is almost certain those behaviors would have increased and spilled over into the rest of your life. Maybe you were good enough for, and to, yourself to do what he couldn't do when it came to taking care of you?

User avatar
heyjupiter
Posts: 171
Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:58 pm
Location: UK

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by heyjupiter » Mon Jan 27, 2014 12:17 pm

Thank you for the above post. I agree with all that you say in it. I actually spoke with my sister at some length a few months ago on many of the points above. I thought I was insane to liken his involvement with scientology as an addiction, but she agreed with me that it was. When she first met him, she said she spotted a deep loneliness and insecurity in him and she also spotted that he clearly loved me, but seemed almost to want to distance himself from revealing how much he needed that love, a surface jollity and confidence with a latent vulnerability. I loved him all the more for that, because that is my nature.
Like you, I have had a relationship with an addict- before him. My sons father was addicted to prescription drugs, alcohol and eventually started to smoke heroin, which ended our 16 year relationship.His addictions had been with him long before I met him, but he kept them pretty well hidden until we were closely involved. He was intensely controlling, verbally and physically abusive and eventually, after trying for many years to help him, I walked away for the sake of my son and my sanity. I think this kind of person can spot someone who is likely to want to be supportive , be easily controlled and who thinks they are not good enough for them. I clearly remember the day I found a piece of scorched tinfoil in a drawer at home and realised my son's father was a heroin addict. I literally collapsed with the horror of it.I had the same breathtaking blow when I saw a Knowledge Report on my ex, the content of which would make any normal person walk away from that group, yet he accepted the appalling control it implied, and stayed loyal to scientology. I never felt the same about him after that.
I am constantly astounded at how often my own thoughts- which I have sometimes thought to be irrational- are then re-told and shared by those such as yourself on boards such as these and in the many books and accounts I have read. Your insight is valuable, helpful and incredibly supportive. You are not alone in your experience. I think your partner has a great and very strong love for you- she/he must be under immense pressure to get you on board or walk away from you. That she/he hasn't is testament indeed to your closeness. I am not sure if Mindless has returned to the board. I wish him well, whatever he has decided.

Mindless
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jan 20, 2014 8:47 pm

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by Mindless » Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:18 am

Hey guys! Thanks for all of the advice, I really appreciate it. It has been interesting reading about your experiences and insight into Scientology.

The past few weeks have been a struggle. I decided it would be best to try to understand her perspective on things, so I openly questioned her beliefs in a curious manner. Initially she had no problems, but problems arose when she questioned my own beliefs. I innocuously made it clear that I had no desire to be directly involved in Scientology, stating that I felt happy and content with my life. Apparently I am ignorant and intolerant due to the fact that I have no desire to experience Scientology. It was at that moment that things turned sour. I won’t get into the ins and outs, but Heyjupiter’s situation had an uncanny resemblance to my own. What I witnessed was a totally different person that tried to ridicule my beliefs and blackmail me.

If I’m honest, this came as a complete shock as my only concern remained with the interference of the church. We decided to compromise and attempt to make things work, but I found that I was trying to completely adapt to her lifestyle. Ultimately, I did what I felt was inevitable and ended our relationship.

I know I kept this very brief, but what I saw in her and the things she said left me with little choice. She couldn’t tolerate my own beliefs and was left hoping that I would eventually turn to Scientology.

Also, I mean no disrespect to those who have a spouse involved in Scientology. I just happened to get involved with the wrong person.

Thanks again!

Don Carlo
Posts: 11769
Joined: Mon Jul 25, 2005 6:20 am

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by Don Carlo » Sat Feb 08, 2014 9:39 pm

Thanks for sharing your story, Mindless. It sounds like you are recovering from the breakup. Better to break up now, than when you are older, married, have kids, and so forth. Good luck with your future relationships.

User avatar
Wieber
Posts: 10239
Joined: Tue May 23, 2006 10:57 pm

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by Wieber » Sat Feb 08, 2014 10:44 pm

I sympathize, Mindless. Aside from Scientology's influence, your ex girlfriend is probably a wonderful person. But if you are not equipped to get her out of there, you did the right thing. If you went ahead and developed a relationship and had children that would make things very difficult for you and the odds are you would have eventually lost your relationship and your children. It's a scary prospect to contemplate.

You may experience a sense of loss akin to grief. You may experience some other after effects. If you find anything bothering you as a result of your breakup, you have the option of coming to the Bake and discussing it.

Take care of yourself.
“Think wrongly if you please, but in all cases think for yourself.”
Doris Lessing

Image

User avatar
heyjupiter
Posts: 171
Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:58 pm
Location: UK

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by heyjupiter » Sun Feb 09, 2014 1:24 pm

Mindless wrote:Hey guys! Thanks for all of the advice, I really appreciate it. It has been interesting reading about your experiences and insight into Scientology.

The past few weeks have been a struggle. I decided it would be best to try to understand her perspective on things, so I openly questioned her beliefs in a curious manner. Initially she had no problems, but problems arose when she questioned my own beliefs. I innocuously made it clear that I had no desire to be directly involved in Scientology, stating that I felt happy and content with my life. Apparently I am ignorant and intolerant due to the fact that I have no desire to experience Scientology. It was at that moment that things turned sour. I won’t get into the ins and outs, but Heyjupiter’s situation had an uncanny resemblance to my own. What I witnessed was a totally different person that tried to ridicule my beliefs and blackmail me.

If I’m honest, this came as a complete shock as my only concern remained with the interference of the church. We decided to compromise and attempt to make things work, but I found that I was trying to completely adapt to her lifestyle. Ultimately, I did what I felt was inevitable and ended our relationship.

I know I kept this very brief, but what I saw in her and the things she said left me with little choice. She couldn’t tolerate my own beliefs and was left hoping that I would eventually turn to Scientology.

Also, I mean no disrespect to those who have a spouse involved in Scientology. I just happened to get involved with the wrong person.

Thanks again!
Nice to hear back from you Mindless. You are clearly NOT Mindless, ignorant or any of the other things you will be painted as- the fact that you looked into things and posted here is clear testament to that. A small development in my OWN story which is pretty telling and affirms you have made the right decision: I received a card from my ex last week which said the following-

"If you carefully review the things you have done to us which you think we don't know about, you will feel much happier about us"

What this means is that they are aware I am speaking out- I did a You-tube interview the previous week. As he has no internet- they must have been reporting back on me to him. The words in the card mean that I should look at my 'crimes' ie- not agreeing with scientology. I should be aware that they know about my crimes and once I accept I am a criminal, I can then accept what scientology does against me. It was a transparent and cold message from someone that I loved. I took it to the police and showed them the scientology policy directive on SP'S- "May be tricked, lied to, deprived of property etc" because he has persistently refused to give me back my doorkey. They advised I change the locks. I contacted him and said the police had seen the note and a copy of the policy directive. Lo and behold- the key was posted back to me and he attempted to be pleasant and deny he was being controlled by the church- they don't like public authorities like cops sniffing round. All pretty murky and unpleasant and a clear indication to me that I am being watched and that he is under their control and influence. I changed the locks any way- keys can easily be cut. I think you have probably had a lucky escape. I wish you love, respect and openness in your future romantic relationships :-)

User avatar
Demented LRH
Posts: 2499
Joined: Sun Jul 17, 2011 8:02 pm
Location: New York City, NY, USA

Re: My girlfriend is a Scientologist

Post by Demented LRH » Mon Feb 10, 2014 3:24 pm

There are different kinds of addiction; drug addiction is one of them. Another form of addiction is uncontrolled gambling.

There were suggestions that Scientology with its auditing is also a form of addiction – some people get high on it. This may be true, although this is not my personal experience – I had only about one hour of Dianetics auditing which is not enough to develop a dependency on it. But an average Scientologist has hundreds of hours of auditing, which in some cases may lead to addiction similar to the one that compulsive gamblers have.

Possibly the endless hours of auditing lead to change in the brain chemistry, which is a precursor to an addiction.

Why do they get high on auditing? I do not know the exact answer, but it seems to me they experience something of a “stigmata” during the endless Dianetics and OT sessions.
“This OT shit is driving me insane. On a positive side, I laugh a lot these days because I’m at a funny farm.”
L. Ron Hubbard

L. Ron Hubbard era un maestro de masturbacion fisica y mental.

Post Reply

Return to “Your story from inside Scientology”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest