SENSE OF DOUBT

Part 27

Getting better all the time.

At one point I originated to Wally that I was still to run an engram.
According to what Hubbard had said in Dianetics any moments
of unconsciousness would have been recorded by the reactive mind.
Auditing out these engrams would bring those moments into my conscious mind
for the very first time.

During engram running I was supposed to be able to retrieve everything that happened around me while I`d been unconscious.
I`d had a hernia operation when I was eight years old.
So I went back to that moment, desperately wanting to find out what
had happened while I was under anesthetic. Try as I might I got nothing.
After a while I remembered being driven home from the hospital by
my father. As we passed an intersection I had a deja vu feeling.
Then I realized I`d been hovering above the intersection watching the
traffic whilst I was being operated on.

No engram there apparently.
What about that last assault before I left home at 15 ?
No. Apparently I experienced the whole thing in my conscious mind.

All I had left was birth and pre natals.
I squirmed and wriggled, as you do trying to escape this confined space.
But after a while I was putting more into it than I was getting out of it.

It seemed I was engram free. So I set off down the whole track looking
for moments of unconsciousness.
I spent a bit of time looking at my life as a Roman soldier.
Wasn`t it validating when I stood in a line as our paymaster dropped a small bag of salt in each soldiers hand. I opened it up and realized
my school teacher had been right. Roman soldiers were often paid with salt.

I also spent time back in the days of the pyramids with the Egyptians.
I saw images of myself in a long line of naked male slaves all taking turns
at giving Cleopatra a good rogering. Man she made Marilyn Chambers look frigid.

I even saw some life times millions of years ago where I was involved
in Space opera... just like scenes from Star Wars.

But none of these were engrams.
I quizzed Wally about it.
His response "You only accrue an engram when you don`t take responsibility for the incident."

This was new.

Here is what was happening. I would run out of material when answering questions about a certain subject.
Let me give an example.
I was relating specific moments where I felt like an unwanted child.
So I went back in time and came to the incident when I was kicked like
a football at age four.
But Wally then asks... "Is there an earlier similar incident ?"
I say "Not that I`m aware of."
He then acknowledges that and says "Let me just check that again.
Is there an earlier similar incident?....He checks the meter and says "Looks like there is something there..."

So now I have to find something to answer the question.
I start to get imagery of brown colored brick buildings.
I have never seen these style of buildings.
Hang on a minute... Yes I have... on Coronation Street.
I`m in England and it is 1958. The year I was born.
I am a 20 year old male and my mother is kicking me out of home.
I was a drug user. Plus I owned an electric guitar.
Just like the one David Bowie is holding on the cover of "Ziggy Stardust."

I walk past a large hedge , just like the one at Mangere lawn cemetery.
I am so sad because I am an unwanted child that I take more drugs
and have a heart attack and drop dead at age 20.

My needle is floating.

You are not allowed out of an auditing session until you have a floating needle.
Kind of makes you wonder what could happen to your mind under these circumstances.
Would it provoke someone into inventing scenarios that would explain the
mysteries in their life? Would these scenarios seem relevant to ones
present life ? Would those images seem as real as say hazy images of early childhood ?
It didn`t really matter. All I cared about was, the more I did it , the better I felt.
And after so many years of misery, I did so much want to feel better.

As I made my way back to my room I started to notice all the cameras in every passage.
I was finally a star. I walked back to my room as interestingly as I could, knowing that a team of security guards only had me as entertainment.

I wondered how the security team would have reacted if I was able to mount a camera on the wall inside their office. When you think about it, it would be handy to quote their reaction back to them when they asked you why you were pulling down all the cameras they had monitoring you.

Hubbard had a quote about this sort of thing.
"On the day we can fully trust each other there will be peace on earth."

I`m thinking that would be the day the very last security camera was pulled down. I guess by the number of security cameras here at PAC... Hubbard didn`t rate peace very highly.

My stay on the Estates project Force would involve manual labour till dinner time, followed by study till 10:00 PM every night.

One of the day jobs involved going over to the seven or eight story high rise,
where all the Scientology babies and children were kept on the top story.
I say kept because when I took a ride in the elevator up to the roof for a smoke, I found one of the kids playing up there.
Now I want you to really get this.

When you hand your kids over to Scientology`s care, you would have no doubt been under the impression that the most precious things in your life, your children, would be lovingly cared for and safe.

Here I am on the roof of this creche watching a boy of less than ten years of age using the narrow ledge as an obstacle course. One careless mis step and there was no coming back. He climbed back down when he noticed me and went back to the creche to continue getting the supervision his parents must have assumed he was getting all day.

When you hand your kids over to Scientology`s care, you would have no doubt been under the impression that the most precious things in your life, your children, would be lovingly cared for and safe.

Crazy how the Scientologists generally were right there in extremely famous historic moments.... Why 1492 and friends with Columbus, not 1401 and friends with John, the guy next door?