An old truism has it that, once converted, the most tenacious opponents of a cause or belief system often become its most ardent supporters.
While not a believer, per se, in the encompassing doctrines and dogma of Scientology (Scn), I have had a set of profound and deeply unsettling personal experiences that, seemingly, are only fully comprehensible when viewed from within an
explanatory framework of understanding that is built on what must be viewed as the central premise underlying the putative efficacy of all Scn processing and training: Each of us are- if not ultimately, then for so long that it seems an effective eternity - composite spiritual beings. "Thetans believed they were one. That is the primary error" (Hubbard,1967). Yet if, at the end of the odyssey of discovery I've embarked on to investigate this possibility, I'm compelled to accept that premise, then there may never have been a more reluctant (or astonished) convert than I.

Introduction - Part 2

Before telling you my story, though, I need to preface it with a few remarks to the audiences most likely to be drawn to it. First, I'm not a Scientologist and have only a limited acquaintance
with the apparently vast nomenclature and technical terminology that has been generated within the field. Because this terminology remains
almost completely unreconciled with that of other fields (thus making it largely unintelligible to investigators working within them), and due to my own insufficient grasp of "Scientologese", I'll limit my use of it and attempt to draw parallels to existing concepts that have wider currency, even though they may represent a less precise usage to the initiated.

Second, I've received no explicit training and have completed no official coursework in Scn; however, I have spent the last one and one-half years devouring everything I could lay my hands concerning the subject and its historical roots and origins. During that time I also read much of what I was to later learn are the confidential materials (or some reasonable fascimile thereof) pertaining to the upper levels of training and processing within Scn. Quoting (as I've already done), or even paraphrasing, these esoteric scriptures represents religious sacrilege to adherents within the official Church of Scientology (CoS), who believe that all such use is unauthorized. And this practice seems to have led to an unfortunate polarization within the field. No disrespect was meant on my part in using these materials (some of which appear in almost identical form in earlier, non-confidential
works authored by the founder.My hope is that after reading my story the reasons for their inclusion will not only be understood but appreciated as a positive gesture toward reconciliation both within and beyond the field.

Parenthetically, and as an exemplification of the level of critical analysis that will utilized throughout this article, it must be noted that the central argument for making these materials confidential (ie., that the "restimulation" caused by viewing them can lead to illness, even death) is a broad empirical claim that does not appear to have been born out following their release to the internet some time ago. This point, in and of itself, does not falsify the central premise mentioned above; it does, however, seem to undermine the argument for maintaining their confidentiality - that is, at least with regard to that portion of them that refer to purported geologic and paleontologic facts that could never be construed as trade secrets or proprietary concerns.

Introduction-Part 3

Third, I have received only one auditing session which lasted less than an hour and, therefore, have only a very limited scope of personal experience from which to contrastively analyze the experience of others. It was, however, an experience that was unshaped by any ideological precommitment and uncolored by existing confirmatory biases. In this way, while my experience could never be viewed as exhaustive (or even representative)of the range or scope of possible auditing experiences, it does have the advantage of offering a relatively objective phenomenological perspective that is otherwise unobtainable. In addition, I will claim that I was afforded the opportunity not just to have experienced objectively an auditing result, but to have experienced one of the penultimate goals of Scn processing - and to have done so without either taking the incremental steps toward ideological conversion typical of most parishioners or going through the hierarchy of auditing processes believed to be prerequisite to their attainment.

Introduction-Part 4

Fourth, because much of what you read from anonymous sources on the internet turns out to be equal parts hoax, half-truth and hyperbole, any poster desiring to maintain anonymity while simultaneously seeking credibility needs to explain his/her reasons for not making their identity and bonafides known. After lurking for some time on the periphery of several Scn-oriented sites it appears that many anonymous participants genuinely fear reprisal from the CoS
for voicing dissent, questioning articles of faith, etc.. Others, within the church, are apparently prohibited by the central authorities from taking part in discussions on certain sites and thus disguise their identities to avoid sanctions.

As for me, the decision to remain anonymous stems from two separate motivations. The first places me in the same company as those just mentioned who fear their communication on the subect could bring negative consequences down upon them. I work in a research field concerned with many of the same manifestations of mind that are the focus of Scn theory and practice, yet whose approach to investigating those phenomena could not be more different. To say that the methods of inquiry and the standards of research employed within Scn have been discredited by those in my field is to be entirely generous.

My second motivation in choosing anonymity is less a reflexive response to perceived danger than it is a carefully calculated decision to preserve a potentially unique, objective perspective on the subject of Scn in anticipation of possible future utility in authenticating the results of, what any impartial observer familiar with the claims of Scn will recognize as, the ultimate test of its core beliefs and efficacy.

EBB: "I've received no explicit training and have completed no official coursework in Scn; however, I have spent the last one and one-half years devouring everything I could lay my hands [on] concerning the subject and its historical roots and origins."

Why?? Most of those who post here, and certainly most of those who spend considerable time examining Scientology, have some personal connection to it. I'm curious - what sparked your interest in Scientology?

Songbird,

My interest in Scn was sparked by the correlation between a set of personally momentous, and rationally inexplicable, expeiences that I had as a youth and my experience in the single session of auditing that I received. I think this point should be a lot clearer when I finally finish the preamble (I'm a painfully slow typist) and reveal the nature of my "insiderness".

Thanks for alerting me to the omission of the word
"on" in my previous post.

EBB

Introduction-Part 5

Finally, although I will be advancing only a single coherent interpretation of a set of events and personal experiences, I'm fully aware that there may exist a variety of alternative explanations for these same events. Indeed, part of the reason that I'm making my interpretation public is to catalyze those alternative renditions that I've been unable to generate on my own.

While retrospective analysis of a data set often lends itself to a variety of equally plausible causal theories, the test of those putative explanations is not their internal consistency, explanatory scope or fidelity to existing orthodoxies, but rather, their ability to predict future events in a precise and accurate fashion. For that reason, any claim of validity for my interpretation will only be advanced if and when a very precise set of predictions (to be detailed further on) are born out. If they are not I'm more than willing to have my interpretation consigned to "pipe dream" status. If, on the other hand, they prove substantially correct then I will publish (gulp) in a reputable, peer-reviewed journal under my own name. For now, though, you be the judge of the logic and relative merits of the proposed plan which follows and is contextualized by my "insider" story.

Part 6 The Irreconcilable Immensity of Being

Born in the late sixties, the only child of a pair of adventurous academics, I spent so much of my youth in strange lands with strange people that now my own native culture seems so as well. In contradistinction to the multitude of indelible novelties that I perceived through my externally oriented senses during those travels, the most memorable experiences to gain prominence in my mind then had little to do with the outward appearance of things or the unexpected actions of people. Instead, they were distinguished and made memorable as a class or motif of experience by, what I can still only descibe as, their unique "feel" - not so much a difference in what I perceived, but in the vantage point from which I perceived.

From my earliest memories I can recall a set of infrequent experiences in which my sense of physical boundary and spatial location seem to swell and encompass a space sometimes many times larger than my body, During those rare moments I felt myself to be directly experiencing objects that were at a distance from "me", almost as if I were physically touching or engulfing them.

The experiences were thrilling, shatteringly real, yet totally irreconcilable with any other experience I'd ever had. I felt the most extreme ambivalence toward them: on the one hand, fascinated by the unique, expansive perspective they afforded; on the other, frightened, as if of death, by the seeming possibiity of limitless and uncontrollable expansion. These moments of anomalous perception were invariably followed by headaches of differing intensity and duration, which were centered right between and behind my eyes.

Can you put down what you experienced (and why it seems particularly relevant to Scientology) in a paragraph or two? I am skeptical, but don't mean to be cynical--I know it's hard to describe "weird feelings."

Have you ever smoked marijuana? I know "friends" who used to routinely feel they were a good three feet outside of their head as they walked down the halls at work. No headaches and not vastly expanded space, but certainly "exteriorization" as defined in Scientology.

I'm interested to hear more.

Part 7 Expansivity Contained

My parents were sympathetic but entirely unable to offer any explanatory framework or normalizing accounts from their own experience. Years later, after these expeiences became less frequent, my mother stumbled upon several accounts of "astral projection" and, remembering my earlier consternation at their inexplicability, offered them as a possible explanation of my experiences. Mine seemed qualitatively different though, in that they were never accompanied by a sense of movement or volitional control, but came unbidden and featured a sense of expansion of the boundaries of personal space rather than movement through it.

Over the years these moments of uncontrollable expansiveness became less and less frequent and I seemed to develop some unconscious control over their mechanism that I can, in retrospect, remember as a kind of reflexive "clamping down" that effectively impeded the process in its initial development. Unfortunately, I continued to be plagued by the same type of headache that had always followed them, which now occurred on their own.

After graduating from high school and spending a few years traveling and at itinerant work, I returned to the U.S. to complete a degree and begin my graduate studies. As a post-doctoral fellow engaged in research at a west coast university, I put in countless hours reading research journals and concentrating on computer screens. The headaches, which had once only occassionally bothered me, began to increase in intensity and duration, to the point that I had to drastically curtail my studies in order to avoid becoming incapcitated. During this period I tried a number of remedies, from Yoga to prescription medication - all of which provided only minimal relief.

Gandalf,

This next section should clarify how the experiences I've been describing are related to Scn.

EBB

Part 8 Expansivity Released

Approximately a year and a half ago I met an individual who offered to help me find some relief for my pain through what she described as Dianetic counseling. Having partially read the book (up to the "many abortions" claim) and put it aside as impenetrable and probably useless, I was less than enthused at her offer. However, a mutual friend who was familiar with my condition mentioned that she had experienced some fairly remarkable relief from a similarly intractable condition and encouraged me to check it out, noting that the price (free) was right.The only thing I had to remember, she cautioned, was to refuse to accompany the woman to the "mission" at the end of our session regardless of how well things went or how much she begged. Noting that her admonishment had served to pique my interest rather than impart caution, she launched into a short description of the logarithmically-increasing "donation" fee structure for church services that I would encounter if I failed to heed her warning.

A few days later, after a particularly severe string of headaches, I called the woman and asked if her offer or free counseling was still available. She seemed genuinely pleased that I had called and offered to meet me later that same day. When we met she briefly described the procedure (which I later recognized as Book 1 Dianetic auditing) and asked if I had any particular issue or problem that I wished to address. I immediately blurted out my ongoing difficulties with headaches.

Sorry to see the chapters ended last night. Please go on--notice the half-ack.

Seriously, I am interested when you get a chance.

Part 9 Expansivity Released (cont.)

I described the exact feeling of the headaches and we began to go further and further back through my childhood history of them until reaching a point at which I had no further memory that I could identify as earlier and similar. Despite encouragement to latch onto "whatever comes to mind", I could seemingly go no further and was beginning to get irritated (and somewhat headachy) at her for continuing to insist that I look for something that didn't appear to be there.

At this point I had begun rubbing the bridge of my nose between my eyes in an attempt to alleviate the mounting pain and pressure when she asked, "Do you have any picture at all, no matter how small or vague?". Her question seemed to orient me to a section of my visual memory space that I hadn't been attending to where there was indeed a dimly discernible image. Almost reflexively I responded, "I see something," and before I could continue she said, "Good when was it?". I allowed that I had no idea when it could have taken place, or even if it had taken place, because there were no other memories or visual images that seemed to be associated with it. When she persisted in attempting to date/locate the "incident" I finally stated in exaasperation, "A long time ago and not here," which seemed to satisfy her to my relief. "Good," she said, "How long did the incident last?" By this time I had resigned myself to faking my way through the remainder of the session so as not to be discourteous (it was I, after all, who'd called her back to request her free services), but to get through it as soon as possible. So I shot back, "About ten minutes".

She sent me through the "incident" several times, each time asking me what had happened. The only thing that I could clearly make was that an older man with glasses pushed up on his forehead appeared to be rubbing the bridge of his nose, much the same as I had been earlier in the session, and seemed to be trying to communicate something to me.

By this time I had succeeded in creating an enlarged visual image and was able to "move through the incident" with suprising ease. After determining that the incident was not "erasing" but had instead grown "more solid," my auditor sent me in search of a still earlier incident. After floundering for some period of time attempting to locate another picture, I began to feel a deepening sadness and an irrational sense of loss accompanied by the clear impression that I had no earlier memory because I had had no previous existence. Why that prospect should bother me at all seemed entirely unclear and I began to dispel the mood with some uncharitable thoughts about my auditor's skills.

Part 10 Expansivity Released (cont.)

At this point she abruptly changed track and inquired if the previous incident had been dated correctly. After I responded that it had, she then queried me about its duration: "Does the incident have a different duration?". In an instant the answer came to me as if attached to a live electrical wire: "Yes, yes it does, about ten seconds longer!". I was already at the beginning of the incident when my auditor sent me there and I had begun to scan through it with almost the same delicious sense of anticipation I had once felt as a small child at Christmas, slowly opening a present that I was almost certain contained my heart's desire of the moment - drawing out the pleasure, extending that sense of knowing with certainty, while at the same time not really knowing.

As I approached the point in the incident where I had stopped in previous runs through, I began to feel the dull pressure behind my eyes more acutely. My objectified visual image gave way to an all-pervading sense of movement confined and seeking to simultaneously escape in all directions. I felt/heard a sharp pop and for the briefest instant (really no time at all) experienced the same expansion that I had as a child. But on this occassion the process was so rapid and so total that I felt myself to have infinitely enlarged - right past the point of fear, dread and the need to hold back - to the point of encompassing the immensity of being.

In the next instant I felt myself back in the frame of the incident, poised like a humming bird in mid-air, waiting patiently and motionless for the man before me to stop laughing hysterically. As he did I had the clearest sense of rapt attention that I can ever recall. Next, I heard, or rather directly perceived, a message that can be most directly and succintly translated into words as: "Remember, find the others, then seek the source". With that he pursed his lips and blew gently through them towards me. The sense of being playfully carried away from him on that breeze marks the end of the incident.

As I sat across from my auditor in that same between-worlds revery that accompanies the transition from dream sleep to waking consciousness, I felt a profound sense of peace and plenitude, tinged with the lightest possible top note of melancholy and longing. Bringing me all the way back, my auditor asked if the incident had erased; I responded by telling her that I hoped it never would, but that I had, indeed, completely blown the pain we had begun the session to address.

True to form, my auditor did her best to get me to accompany her to the mission, but I made some lame excuse about having a previous appointment, emptied my wallet into her hands in heartfelt thanks, and bolted for the door. For the remainder of the day I just had to stay outside to watch hummingbirds, butterflies and anything else that moves effortlessly through the air in defiance of gravity.