An Eulogy for a Fallen Comrade

Share your personal experiences with others. We're not here to judge or criticise, but to share and support.

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Post by snowshdw » Tue May 10, 2005 10:57 pm

thanks Magoo and Lucy,,,

Daisy, I know what you mean about the lack of emotions in scientology.

If someone close to you were to die, it was expected that you would have 3-4 sessions and be done with it,,, move on,,, get into present time..

The lack of compasion for "sam" and his family, and all the other who have been traumatized,,,,, only to be told they "pulled it in",,, is just unspeakable.

I am sorry I spent so much time on the "hope Train"... when I was on staff (and I'm sure that this is true of a lot of ex sea org) I was not unaware of the outnesses, or mean/ unjust things that happened,,, I just kept on hoping that tomorrow would be better.

So, my attention was on the good times of the past and the hope that they would come back. Very much like the battered spouse RVY speaks of.

Again, it comes back, I think, to what Sea Ogre was saying --- ACCEPTANCE. I had to finally accept that the group was the way that it was. It just was. and I was either of member of it THE WAY THAT IT WAS, or I wasn't.

I guess I felt I was truly a member of some other group that I hoped would arrive in the not too distant future..

That's what hte hope train does.

Where as ACCEPTANCE is what allows you to really move forward into the future.

The Hope Train hooked many of my friends as well. I remember one telling me that when good stuff happened, he would consciously remind himself to take note of this goodness and this good feeling so that he could hold onto it when the S*** came, (which was inevitable).

I was on the hope train for years.

There are many others still on it.


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Post by tammy » Tue May 10, 2005 11:32 pm

It is a pretty big betrayal to find out you have been had by one of the biggest liars and con-men of all time.

You get really mad!

I relate my experience to the KUBLER ROSS "Stages of Greif"

DENIAL- when you still want to believe it isn't true.

ANGER- when you figure out is is true.

BARGAINING-when you try to find a way to salvage something out of it.

DEPRESSION-when you feel really sad and stupid and sorry for ever believing in it.

ACCEPTANCE-when you figure out you can't change the past but you can change the future.


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Post by sea_ogre » Wed May 11, 2005 12:05 am

I know what you mean Nancy about the hope train. I was in the Sea Org and I kept wanting it to get better. I only wish Hubby would have had the same wish. I told Hubby twice that the pay was inadequate especially for us in the U.S. He didn't care, I did. This is one reason I needed to leave the Sea Org. I just couldn't make it better no matter how hard I tried. It was crazy in 1969 and in some ways it is even worse now. It is mean, nasty, heavy, serious, traumatic, unkind, unfair, unsanitary, insane, and drives most people to leave or get RPFed.

Hope is what Hubbard really trapped us with. We wanted it so much! He kept offering more hope with incredible promises like cause over life, total freedom, and even shortly before he died he was supposedly working on ways to live longer, oops that didn't work either Ron.

We all put up with so much crap and insanity because we choose hope instead of reality. We thought we and Hubby could change reality by just agreeing that things would get better. Reality was misdefined and has caused many problems. If reality was misdefined how well did the ARC gimmick work. Where is the ARC? You can experience ARC when you give the org lots of money, but if you have a few problems then it quickly disappears. ARC is one stupid substitute for Love which is real and unconditional. Most our scientology friends don't really Love us after we leave the Cof$. The whole scam is based solely on agreement and selling hope.

I paid over $100,000 for my hope. I really did want it bad.

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Post by snowshdw » Wed May 11, 2005 12:10 am

I wish I had been able to accept the Sea Org for what it was --- a totalitarian cult, that only cared about my time and money and how many more members and how much more money I could bring to the table.

I kept looking for the pony in the pile of shit...

sometimes a shit pile,, is just that,,,, a shit pile

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Post by tammy » Wed May 11, 2005 2:13 am

Nancy, I finally had time to read your story, again actually, because I had read it before when I just started to wake up. I understand it so much better now.

It is amazing how as you heal and get farther away from the years of indoctrination into the insane world of scientology, the fog lifts more each day, and when you finally see the sun again it IS an epiphany!

I feel like singing and dancing every day that I was lucky enough to survive, and CAN dare to hope again, and believe that my dreams really can come true.

While under the influence of scientology, I always had this kind of nagging feeling of panic, what if I wasn't really helping people by making them turn their lives upside down for the bridge, what were my kids doing right now, why do my juniors have to miss family time again, where is my husband, what if I get sick, where did so and so dissapear to, what if my stats aren't up by Thursday at 2...etc. You can't talk to anyone because you don't want to enturbulate them and interfere with their bridge or post. Besides, they would have to write you up and you would get sent to the MAA for another rollback or sec check.

Eventually, you just have to stop thinking, because it is too dangerous and too painful. As a truly deluded adherent you have to believe every word Hubbard wrote, and he said in KSW:

"The whole agonized future of this planet, Every Man, Woman, and Child on it, and your own future for the next endless trillions of years depend on what you do here and now with and in Scientology."

If you believe that, what else are you going to do but work yourself and everyone around you to death trying to make sure the whole planet doesn't have another Marcabian Invasion? It sounds so stupid now, but hey, it is a very diabolical trap. I am not going to spend the rest of my life in blame shame and regret for being stupid enough to step in a pile of shit. Just wash your shoes (or in this case, buy some new ones) and continue on your way.

Nancy, it sounds like you and I could have crossed paths along the way. If you are friends with Tory call her. I am very interested in what you mentioned about helping get people out of scientology. I want to figure that out more than anything.

I want them to stop hurting people, and there are some people I have a special interest in.

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Post by sea_ogre » Wed May 11, 2005 3:21 am

Definition of a scientologist- a person that has voluntarily allowed himself to be brain washed to the extent that he/she cannot feel feelings and is afraid to think anymore and has adopted all of Huubards' teachings and has been sold a gigantic dose of false hope. Many times the scientologist has given up Love for ARC and given up family for Rons' cult group. This person has been brain washed so deeply and believes he/she has found the truths of the universe and has given up their integrity and rights just to be a scientologist.

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Post by magoo1 » Wed May 11, 2005 4:01 am

I'm reading a fantastic book called, "Blink".
Ever heard of it? It is a book about thinking, and how ~many~ things we knew at the first blink.

As I read it, all I could think of was the first blink re Scientology...when I first walked in their doors at ASHO. My first blink was
Organization! Gigantic photo of Hubbard, looking like Hitler: Not for me!

Then, the rest occurred. How we change what IS for what we want, eh? We each know of this, experienced it, and can write books and movies about just that, and how that effected us.

Nancy, I'm said, I wish I had been able to accept the Sea Org for what it was...was there a second, before you actually "joined", when you knew? (If not, cool...but I just wondered).

Sea Ogre and that is SO true re Hope, and the hope train. I know that is what kept me there, and I'm sure what is still keeping most of my "old" friends in. How sad.

Ladybird...what you wrote about how you perceived Scientology is another amazing thing.
Did you ever read my post on "Flipping it"?
It's basically that in life, we each SEE and HEAR things we KNOW are not right: Especially in Scientology. (My first example was reading about "ARC" and then hearing an "Executive" yelling/Screaming at his Junior, like I've never heard people yell before). However, just like a light switch, we flip it off. Sort of like Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind:

"I can't think about that right now!"

But one day.....One day......something just won't flip. That day, that incident, is the beginning of the long road OUT and to true freedom.

Love to all,


PS: If you get a chance, pick up the book. Truly, I've found it fantastic to read.
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In for 30+/Escaped out in 2000
Declared SP (SP 6^with Cumulative Cluster)
Free at LAST! Leap and the Net will appear! Make the Leap :)

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Post by tom_ » Wed May 11, 2005 4:51 pm

Phil Scott just alerted me of the book you're reading Tory.
Thanks for sharing.

Nancy, your definition of $cn as a "totalitarian cult" is accurate. For many, it takes time to realize this.
Tom C on $cn :)

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Post by Sarah » Wed May 11, 2005 10:19 pm

Is the book you are talking about:
"Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking" by Malcolm Gladwell ?

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Post by tammy » Wed May 11, 2005 11:58 pm

Nancy, and all of you, I am trying to recall where in scientology I read the terms "reverse processing", "soul cracking" and "Black Dianetics" along with some data on how to drive a person sounded like it could be done on purpose, and LRH wrote how to do it.

I am multitasking here, and planned to do the research at my ealiest convenience, but maybe some of you already know about it and care to share?

What happened in "Kathryn's Story" was not "model session" at the hands of OSA and RTC. Yes, there IS a hidden data line. I have had plenty of experience with squirrel crap going on in scientology, but even I have a hard time swallowing the idea that "enemies" could be ruined utterly in such a cruel manner.

The more I think about it, the more likely it seems, after all, there is no such thing as an overt against an enemy or SP.

Thanks for any info anyone can provide. Nancy, all my best to you, and your family. I hope your husband is out too?

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Post by kate » Thu May 12, 2005 1:37 am

Ladybird...How to make some one crazy" is in the PDC a tape called Reach and Withdraw.

This was actually the very tape I was listening to when I got that final Email from the ASHO MAA.

My only thought as I sat in front of my computer was, "They are using the very technique Hubbard wrote about in the '50s. And, they are using it on me."

I think the PDC contains a lot of what you are loking for.

Good luck!

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Post by wrex » Thu May 12, 2005 3:00 am

Years ago, I picked up a used copy (book) of the philadelphia doctorate lectures, or whatever it's called, and I remember seeing something about "black dianetics" in there. I also remember thinking Hubbard was either (said nicely) high on drugs or insane with all the crap he was spewing forth in that book.
I ended up throwing it away.
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Post by programmer_guy » Thu May 12, 2005 6:16 am


I think that you are thinking about "The Phoenix Lectures". I don't think that the PDC tapes were ever made into a book.
codo ergo sum.

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Post by wrex » Thu May 12, 2005 1:55 pm

Yeah, you're right about that title, it was "the phoenix lectures".
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Post by snowshdw » Thu May 12, 2005 3:10 pm

re: soulcracking,,, that came from the interview with LRH Jr. I think it was the playboy interview.

the other two references I will have to think about, I think Kate is right about the PDC tapes and I think both references may be in there.

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