"But that is one of the things I truly love about Scientology. That it is very often impossible to tell if someone talking about Scientology is making up crazy stuff just to be funny--or whether it's Scientology making up crazy stuff just to be Scientology." Hellavahoax

Too true good sir!!! I've been sitting on a wee story that was amusing to me but I could never find an audience to share it with... that is until I ended up telling my mum and wee brother... their paroxysms of laughter have given me the courage to share this now... for those who "Know"!!!

I should explain that I just spent 4 hours writing this story as a masterclass in literature and warmth, only to lose it all due to finickety internety things... hence this is an abridged version... of sorts!!!

Okay, it's the early 90's and I've got the distinct pleasure of being employed on the renovation of a Manor House in a leafy countryside full of charm and summer hope - for sake of argument we'll call it St Hill Manor, East Grinstead!!! By good fortune, a certain close relative of mine is in charge of said renovation... even the Monkeys in the Monkey Room are jumping up and down with joy at the prospect of upstat newness!!!

Okay... well I'm at this time a teenagery boy who has been "allowed" to visit the "Satan Pit" (not my words, my Mum's) that is St Hill... to work on the renovation of the Manor and I am more than happy to be just around and doing just that!!! With all the strict "ethics" of Scientology and the day to day looking over the shoulder, I'm amazed how my "relative" is managing to pull off so much fun... in the face of so much, well... unhappiness.

An example... If we are upstat for the week, all the crew get taken out to London for a night out with much alcohol and music (Teenage Fanclub, The Pixies, John Martyn... to name a few). We were always upstat and I don't recall particularly working any harder at any point!!!? In my own selfish way I was happy to keep scientology working - that's a joke!!!

Now I'm not trying to be flippant because it took a lot of argument and assurances even to be in the position of being at St Hill and deadly humble seriousness was the order of the day for such dispensed charms!!! But... even to the most unthinking of minds... mischief can lie around the corner... ready to strike... all it takes are the right conditions!!!!

So, I've been working on the manor for three months and in a very unscientology way, I'm making money and having teenage fun... who would have thunk it?!!! Now due to the long hours I can't even begin to spend this money and being a wee boy I wonder how I can? A trip round Europe seems to answer this problem but I need someone to go with??? That is where Pat comes in!!!

Now there is nothing worse than someone trying to tell you how funny someone else is... you have to be there. But I'm gonna try, cos Pat is one of the most naturally amused and funny people I've ever met... a glint in the eye, an infectious laugh... he could make Crime & Punishment a comedy lesson!!! And after a whole summer of Scientologese he is the perfect antidote for winding down into ... mischief!!


So bear in mind Pat has just arrived and all this "scientology" stuff is new to him... After working late on the manor we walk into the office and 2 bods from Flag are in, wearing their finest SO regalia, for a reason we know not what!!! My "relative" is informed that "Pat has a really clean space" which is duly shared... all I can say is that the pregnant pause before the loudest guffaw in history still has me giggling!!!

So, not much passes our amusement over the course of the week prior to our Euro sojourn... In fact, we are both pretty upset by the treatment meted out to the Italian RPFers... running constantly in black overalls in intense heat and living in a woodenshed!!! Yes, you can't make this shit up... they were living in a 6x4 shed!!! So we did the unforgivable sin of befriending them (this initially involved nicking bananas from the Stables kitchen and leaving them as peace offerings in their shed!!!) If they weren't so funny and cool about there situation I think we would have called the police??!! It's funny how you rationalize the irrational!!!

So... let me get to the point which is, LRHs clothes kept hunky dory for his imminent re-arrival. Well due to our little upcoming trip we were taking all the working hours that were going... throw them at us, we'll gobble them up!!! The only real problem with this scenario is that I'm tired of a long summer fending off getting "on course" and generally wondering about the sanity of my environs, coupled with my warm cynical friend's anecdotes that quite rightly "rip the pish!!!"

So it's ten o clock at night and as the Manor project is drawing to a conclusion we find ourselves with the enviable task of putting LRHs clothes back in his wardrobes (yes there were 2!!) Now for anyone who doubts the validity of my meanderings his wardrobe room is top floor, right hand side - if you are looking from the lake!!!)

So it is late and we have a task at hand which we are duly and studiously going about... then I happen to turn round and see Pat with the Commodore's hat on doing a funky shimmy out the door (with pipe in mouth, did you know he keeps a pipe? well, he does!!!)... the only thing that is missing is The Theme From Shaft as he slinks down the corridor... in much hysterics!!! Cue a dressing up party with blubbards 48inch slacks causing much tripping up... potatoe sack race!!! His sweaters are so big and uncool we do unspeakable things to them... what were they thinking, I'll never know... I dread to think what an unspeakable moth ridden state they are in now... Scientology... you are too funny and for that I thank you profusely!!! xxxxx

Fun story, friendly fire.

In Big Blue (Los Angeles) they keep the LRH offices equipped with e-meters in case he returns and begins auditing poor PCs nonstop (I tried to steal e-meter from an LRH office, but failed).

Who would have thought that in the UK they keep LRH robes, or whatever the Fatass was wearing, ready for his arrival. But that would imply that they expect Blahbard to arrive naked!

Good story, FF. I wonder if the clothes are new, or do they keep his old clothes waiting for him? Does someone go to the mall every now and then to get LRH new clothes? How do they know he'll still have a 48 inch waist when he comes back anyway?

So, were you just a contract worker who got hired

I could swear there was a cravat drawer!!! ...but with Scientology you can never be sure how much false memory syndome plays a part?!!!

In how many places does $cientology keep L. Ron Hubbard's clothes? I mean, if he's coming back, you know, like that dude in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, he could, you know, wander into the base at Hemet (what would Danny do?) or Celebrity Center in Los Angeles or an ideal/idle org or whatever. It would be funny if he arrived naked like the time travelers in the Terminator movies, though he would be a slightly different shape than Schwarzenegger.

Is there a Hubbard Communications Office Policy Letter (HCOPL) or flag order (FO (don't be rude!)) on buying and keeping clothes for LRH in anticipation of his imminent return?

Sorry for the while in replying I'm Glib... things went a bit crazy there with activity!!! You asked if I was a contractor? Well, it's a bit of a blurry line but I was usually paid directly through Estates for this work...although not always... I mean I got food at The Stables and the odd dispensation (1986-1992). To actually be around there though I had a rather unusual relationship with Sci because my Relative was with CMO then RPR-UK and I had fought with my mum just to see him (therein lies another story) so it was on pain of death that I did any Scientology... I think he was either so well liked or just seemed like a "big loveable guy" that I managed to fly under the radar for most of the time... he always seemed to have an excuse for me and this is on the brink of Miscavige taking over so it was generally more chilled out This, in retrospect, gave me a bird's eye view which still haunts me but at the same time it would be disingenuous to put those good human beings down who were around at this time (Is it just me or is trying to formulate an accurate non dichotomous opinion so scrubb a dub dubbed that it's fuk a fucked up!!!???) I did do a few courses and read/listened to "everything" I could which may sound excessive but I just about did!!! I think (and someone can correct me) that it was 8-80 that had a list of the philosophers that had so called "inspired" the strawberry blonde satanboy to aid his "research"? Well, I took that list of writers/philosophers home with me and for that I am thankful... for everyone of them I read and tried to put into the context of Scientology... the more they ellicited the growing unease that Scientology wasn't quite what it was pertaining to be... as a feeling more than a solid conviction.

I've been around Scio since 1981 and here I am in 2012 still considering (the death of) it... I have a whole other story to compose about this and my father's untimely death (which any rational, breaking it down, empiricist would probably attribute to Scientology - and I am, so I will!!!)... and I will do so soon but I need to find the time to sit down and do it proper emotional justice... sorry I don't mean that to sound like a cop out for now but I'd rather do it right cos it matters to me and I appreciate every warm, cynical, emotional and most of all, funny post that has been put on this marvellous forum... straight from the heart is best... Big Love!!!

I hope you come back. You are a good writer!