Capitalist Squirrels - He who dies with the most nuts, wins.
Hari Krishna Squirrels - He who plays with the most nuts, wins.
Catholic Squirrels - He who denies himself the most nuts, wins.
Anglican Squirrels - They were our nuts first.
Greek Orthodox Squirrels - No, they were OURS first.
Atheist Squirrels - There is no nut maker.
Polytheist Squirrels - There are many nut makers.
Church of Christ Scientist Squirrels - We are the nuts.
Communist Squirrels - Everyone gets the same number of nuts.
Bahai Squirrels - All nuts are just fine with us.
Taoist Squirrels - The pecan is as important as the almond.
Mormon Squirrels - Every boy squirrel can have as many nuts as he wants.
7th day Adventist Squirrels - He who plays with his nuts on Sabbath, loses.
Southern Baptist Squirrels - If your nut is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to hell.
Jehovah's Witness Squirrels - He who sells the most nuts door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostal Squirrels - He whose nuts can talk, wins.
Existential Squirrels - Nuts are a figment of your imagination.
Confucian Squirrels - Once a nut is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism Squirrels - We don't care where the nuts came from, let's just play with them.
Agnostic Squirrels - It is not possible to know whether nuts make a bit of difference.
Unitarian Universalist Squirrels - We still haven't decided if the nuts exist.

Squirrels sure are popular. Hubbard picked the wrong rodent to use as an insult.