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Your picture shows us all a face of hope and love - what is missing is trust. And boy do I understand why you cannot trust. Sounds simple - doesn't it. It is the hardest mountain to climb but if you can manage it step by step (like a small child learning to walk) then hope will be real.
It sounds like you have a girl who loves you and is in tune to your needs. Lean on her until you can stand and then please at least try. Leave the dark thoughts in the dungeon that claims your mind. Trust in the God that you pray to.

I will praying for you, really I will.

Moonbeam

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Neil,

Your suicide will damage your girlfriend very much. Since she seems to know about this desire that you have, I am guessing that you have discussed this with her?

You may think that this is a solution for you BUT I doubt that she will agree that this is a good thing for her. You could choose to spare her this anguish that could last for years for her.

Do you love your girlfriend?

Best regards,
Larry

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Dear Toney.............Dear Neil...............

Hey hey................so you had a very bad day, and maybe a very bad life. I'm sorry you did, I really am. But guess what?

DON'T KILL YOURSELF!
Period.

It isn't final. It isn't a "Solution". All it does is temporarily end what is a long chain of crap. However, I do believe more will come......one way, or the other.

What if this is just a test for Neil? Can he dig out, or not? If so.......
all that you've ever dreamed of will be there for you. I know, you cannot see it now..........you're IN IT. But what IF it is literally right around the corner? More than you've ever wanted or hoped for.

All that you've dreamed of, and much, much more? What if? And on the opposite...what if there IS KARMA>>>>>>>>>>>and you taking your own life will just bring you back, only next time your life will be far worse?

I can hear from you, at this point you cannot think of 'worse'....I understand. I promise you, there IS worse...and you and only you can turn this around.

Your taking your life isn't a solution, for you or the many around you that will be harmed for life due to it. It's a chicken shit escape that doesn't take you to a blank place, certainly not a better place.

Once you do it, it's done. YOU have changed the fate of your life, and that of many others..........and not in a good way, at all.

You need help, man. REAL help. The same as you say people can *try* suicide many times before it works? The same is true of therapy.

Have you tried it enough? Obviously not. Please visit someone you trust and love, and let them help you.

You are in my prayers, thoughts, and I have a candle lit for you.

I love you............I really do. I am sending you hope, peace, forgiveness. Forgive yourself. It's OK.

Keep the faith..........be strong......it's not your time. Walk through the pain, into the light. Find it...........it's right here:__________________



Tory/Magoo~~

Neil,

Please contact:

http://www.samaritans.org/

They are in the UK.

08457 90 90 90 (UK)

email:

jo@samaritans.org

Please, tell them your story - the story that you posted here on this thread. Okay?

I agree with Tory.
Please get more therapy.
Have you tried a doctor who uses hypnotherapy,
psychiatry, and meds in combination?

This type of doctor can take you back to the past to
confront your father.
You can go back there and tell him off. Or beat him up.
Or demand his apology.
Even if he is dead you can speak to him.

The scenes from your past that torture your brain
can be changed. You can be changed.
A skilled therapist can help you rewrite your negative
self image.
Your father put garbage in.
That garbage needs to be thrown out.

You are acting out your father's message that you aren't
worthy of life.
That can be changed.
You can rewrite your story.
You do not have to remain a victim.
A therapist can reparent you.
Please seek help.
You are worth it.

I really wish that you would take a look at this link and possibly find out some things from others who have had this similar situation

http://suicide.com/suicidecrisiscenter/whycall.html

Best regards,
Larry

Toney/Neil

Nice photo, nice smile -- to me you look much younger than mid-30s, but then, I'm at an age where anyone under 45 looks like a kid.

I sent you a private message, but I'm not sure how that works since it's a new feature on the board. Let me know if you got it, ok?

Wishing you peace.

olska

Dear Neil,

I believe I know why you posted this thread -- it was in the main to communicate the truth about Scientology and how their "efforts" drove you to further your attemps at suicide so other people know and are warned.

I can understand that completely.

While I didn't have an abusive upbringing myself, I did have suicidal ideation after being in the "church" of Scientology for about 10 years and these stuck with me. I know it's hard. I had to "bootstrap" myself out of it after I left. Scientology can drive the most sane person to that point and then, not only help you, but do what they did to you in making you feel that you would be worse-off when you left.

I have to agree with everything said here to you so far. I especially have to agree with the idea of Kharma and that you will only be worse-off if you do actually carry this out. I know you believe you are a spiritual being and that when your body dies that is not the end of it.

It's so important for you to seek the right therapy, as much as you need, the right religion that will help bring you out of the dumps spiritually and emotionally and the right friends.

We are all here for you. We do care about you very much even though we don't know you per se.

I see a very loving and gentle face in your picture. I see a cry for help. I really do. But I also see someone that wants to help others even if it is to warn them of the dangers of cults.

Is there no small part of life/living that you can honestly say you can enjoy that is worth living for?

There is a way to get through all of this. You just have not found the right path yet.

Stick in there with us -- PLEASE.

Best,
Ann Marie

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Get some sleep now and please post here tomorrow evening after you wake.

Toney,

Thank you for posting.

I just have two suggestions:

One. Find a hobby. Or something you've always been good at, but didn't spend much time at. Sometimes that's also a good way to meet people.

Two. Check out the Monroe Institute.
You might find that with your own insights on what it might really be like
"on the other side" that it's better to deal with you life now.

http://www.monroeinstitute.org/

Angie Fenimore, a wife and mother haunted by abuse in childhood and overwhelmed by despair, was in a desperate state of mind. On January 8, 1991, she committed suicide ...

http://www.near-death.com/experiences/suicide04.html