I've known and thought about you for at least a couple of years now.
One of the things I have learned is that you can be a stubborn SOB when you want to be. I like that.
You make up your mind and stick to your guns. I like that.
You seem to like me - well there's no accounting for taste I suppose.
But do you know the one thing that I really admire most about you?
Even blind drunk you manage to post more eloquently, fluently, coherently, with less orthographical faux pas, than nearly all other poster I have ever known, and not just here or on FACTnet (and that includes myself).
Frankly I'm surprised, knowing your past as I do, from our infrequent conversations and E-Mails, that you've managed to make it this far.
I had read this thread but decided not to post here until now for the reason that I wanted to be invited to post here. Not as one of the masses, but as a friend who you like, from a friend whom I respect and as I stated above, admire.
Now you could top yourself and gain whatever piece of oblivion there is which is waiting for all of us eventually.
A lot of us would lose a lot however. And no, I am not talking about those who posted here on this thread; I'm talking about the "backchannel crowd" (as Umike likes to call it). They genuinely would feel a sense of loss.
I am not going to mention them here, because it is none of anyone's damn business who I talk to and what I talk to them about when I am not posting here. But you know who they are.
Not one of them has voiced anything to me, which would suggest anything other than, that they would feel a sense of loss at your departure (be it then, when you left OCMB before, or making a more permanent decision now).
The thing is, that we cannot, and would not, force ourselves upon you. In our minds we accept you as an equal, warts and all. The problem is that we were, and I am at present, afraid that you would misinterpret our words for condescending trinkets.
This is why I have always wanted you to initiate a willingness to have a conversation.
I've been a few steps along your path and although the words were there, I quite often garnered an undertone of "Sucks to be you", when some people have spoken to me when I was in the shit.
Above all else what really pissed me off was the sense of intrusion.
It's the difference between empathy and sympathy.
Empathy is being able to appreciate another person's feelings or problems.
Sympathy however is actually giving a shit, and thinking about how to respond appropriately - before just blindly intruding and making things worse.
If you ask me something then I reply, as opposed to talking at you and robbing you of space you need by imposing an artificial obligation on your
part to respond.
It's a subtle difference but for me it marks the difference between respecting you as an individual human being as opposed to regarding you as a "Sucks to be you" conversation piece.
You know that I can lie perfectly, so you also know that when I say that I never have, nor will I ever, see you as the latter, you can take it to the bank.
And that is exactly what I am saying now.
I'll repost something now which I posted before. I don't really know most of the folks here now, so I do not know if I can guarantee that the post is as inclusive now as it was then.
I cannot ask you to stay and I would not want you to go. That is your choice and I would be a very poor friend indeed to rob you of it.
I would be more than happy though if you continued to ask, so that I could continue to reply. And let's face it; watching you rip Umike a new one would be a loss to the community at large.
The choice is yours, but my respect and admiration for you is mine, and it will remain with me irregardless.
this is why we are here. This forum IS about YOU. Do you think that the posts to you on the thread "What motivates ex-CO$ Scienos to post here" were just politically correct mouthings?
The guys and gals here might not quite cut off their right arm before they would see you suffer - but it would be a fucking close call.
OC is not just a dinky little debate-club. If you need help and want it, and any one of us can give it, it's yours, no questions asked, no subscription required.
We'll not get sick of hearing about you, from you, until you get sick of it yourself and start looking outwards, and your introspective perspective changes NATURALLY, IN YOUR OWN TIME, and evolves into whatever comes after.
Take a day, take a month - hell take a decade if you like, some of us will always be here.
I think quite a few of us can imagine where you are right now, so as I said, don't worry about it.
You might not like our replies sometimes (although we do have some who are pretty good in the coddling department), but we don't make them to wound (well not generally anyway).
Just by being here, you are already starting to look outward. If we can give you the emotional space you need - take it, it's yours, no strings attached.
I normally only speak on my own behalf, but in this case I think I am speaking for the vast majority here.