"Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained..." (Lao-Tzu)

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, I hope you enjoy life without kneecaps.

-Ten Tigers

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, and I will sue.

Of course the CoS starts with suing.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, you're a damn fool. Thank you very much for showing me.

Tory/Magoo!

Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
```````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
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" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another" --George Bush, US President
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
```````````

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
`````````````````````````````````````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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....Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing .

I love Oliver North's quote. Awesome... Seriously.

"You have a toothache and you stubbed your toe? You are PTS. Who is the SP that you are connected to?" Scn Ethics officer

"Your father." Me

Schapiro's Explanation:
========================
The grass is always greener on the other side, but that's because they use more manure.

I BORN IN WVA AND PROUD OF IT! lol BUT YA KNOW I THINK THESE CAN GO FOR
TEXAS, LOUSIANA AND TN AND OKIE HOMIE TOO! lol
>
>
> > > A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his
> > beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > How do you know when you're staying in a West Virginia hotel?
> > >
> > > When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and
the
> > clerk replies, "Go ahead."
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married?
> > >
> > > There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West
> > Virginia to 32?
> > >
> > > It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia?
> > >
> > > Documentaries.
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > Where was the toothbrush invented?
> > >
> > > West Virginia. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have
been
> > called a teeth brush.
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to
> the
> > driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery?
> > >
> > > The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > The Governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near
> took
> > out the whole trailer park.
> > >
> > > The library was a total loss too. Both books--poof! -- up in flames
and
> he
> > hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets
> > divorced, they are STILL cousins.
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > >
> > > A guy walked into a bar in West Virginia and orders a mudslide.
> > >
> > > The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here
are
> > ya?"
> > >
> > > "No", replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
> > >
> > > The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in
> > Pennsylvania?"
> > >
> > > "I'm a taxidermist", said the man.
> > >
> > > The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world
is
> a
> > tax-e-derm-ist?
> > >
> > > "The man says, "I mount dead animals".
> > >
> > > The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...."It's okay
> boys,
> > he's one of us!"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >

Wow, thanks for posting those Alf. Good ones.

What state are you in now? I think those jokes could also apply to Kentucky.

"He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh." Mohammed

That was a slight mistake. I am not nor have ever been from W. Va. I copied and pasted that piece and that part was accidentally left in.

I am from one of the other states mentioned.

I am now in a virtual reality state. I have lived in Oregon, Washington, L.A., New Jersey, Nevada and Louisiana.

"When they give you half the Peace sign?

"Say a prayer for them."

Tom LaBonge, advice re responding to motorists afflicted with road rage

>>Hey, sorry for the foul language, but I still think is is really
>>funny. Enjoy!
>>
>>-------------------------------
>>
>>THE MOST FUNCTIONAL WORD
>>
>>Well, it's shit........
>>
>>That's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in
>>the English language.
>>
>>Consider this:
>>
>>
>>You can be shit faced,
>>Shit out of luck,
>>Or have shit for brains.
>>
>>With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
>>Find a place for your shit
>>Or decide to shit or get off the pot.
>>
>>You can smoke shit,
>>Buy shit, sell shit,
>>Lose shit, find shit,
>>Forget shit,
>>And tell others to eat shit and die.
>>
>>Some people know their shit,
>>While others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
>>
>>There are lucky shits,
>>Dumb shits,
>>Crazy shits,
>>And sweet shits.
>>
>>There is bull shit,
>>Horse shit
>>And chicken shit.
>>
>>You can throw shit,
>>Sling shit,
>>Catch shit,
>>Shoot the shit,
>>Or duck when shit hits the fan.
>>
>>You can give a shit
>>Or serve shit on a shingle.
>>You can find yourself in deep shit
>>Or be happier than a pig in shit.
>>
>>Some days are colder than shit,
>>Some days are hotter than shit,
>>And some days are just plain shitty.
>>
>>Some music sounds like shit,
>>Things can look like shit,
>>And there are times when you feel like shit.
>>
>>You can have too much shit,
>>Not enough shit,
>>The right shit,
>>The wrong shit,
>>Or a lot of weird shit.
>>
>>You can carry shit,
>>Have a mountain of shit,
>>Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
>>
>>Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit,
>>And other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling
>>like a rose.
>>
>>When you stop to consider all the facts,
>>It's the basic building block of creation.
>>And remember, once you know your shit,
>>You don't need to know anything else!
>>
>>You could pass this along, if you give a shit!
>>
>