Hello, I'm not sure where to start so I will start of with intoducing myself, my name is Adam Taylor Wildeman, I'm 31 years old and struggling artist due to post tramatic syndrom from childhood sexual abuse. I was born in Scientology more or less my father was a scientologist since, from what I recently found out, 1974 two years before I was born. My father was OT 2 and a teacher of the tech I dont recall the technical Scientology name for it but that was his main role at the COS in Winnipeg Man. and was a Canvasser for them as well selling the tech books of L.R.H's writting on Dianetics.

Ever since I can remember my father would drag me to the COS every weekend against my wishes, I didnt want to go and I was borred and lonely and dealing with my parents recently spilt up. Most of the time I would try and keep myself busy by finding something to do I was a child what else would I do but play... with my toys or my kids books or draw and sometimes when allowed to enter the teching room to play with the playdoh. sometimes my father would get me to do contact assists to help ease away any pain I had when I hurt myself and or would get me to do the touch assocation and he would run other drills on me for what I thought were no reason I didnt now why but I was a child and had no mental problems at the time from what I understood about the CoS then is that it is a Self help Org for people with mental problems. As far as I was concerned I didnt need to be there.

Sometimes other Scientologist would bring their children to the CoS and we would be children and play outside or in the basement with the boxes or even draw on the walls which was bad but we didnt get into to much trouble for it but told to wash it off, so we did. My father is a strange man he always has been to me and I dont know, half the time I was the only child at the CoS then between the ages of 4-6, (1980-1982). I remember he would come back up stairs from taking a sauna and would start talking to me about things that made no sence to me and was completely non-sequitor to anything, or he would come out of an audit and he would start getting on my case about what I was doing what I was learning and attacking me asking if I knew the time when there was no clock around let alone even had a watch on, things he already knew the answer too, things he didnt need to ask me. My father was parrinod about something and thought something was wrong with me cause I wasnt talking... and had complained to the other scientologist about it. Why would I talk when there is no one to talk to.

One day in summer while I was outside looking at the Catapillers on a weeds beside a schools football field fence, my father was talking to a fellow sceintologist about a painting that my father was going to sell to him, he then turned to me and said," Yeah Adam I'm going to make you stick a dogs penis between your toes." and he just kind of looked at me, I had this blank expression on my face, not know again wtf he was talking about I think I went into immidate shock. Next thing I knew they were infront of me and then my father had asked me, What's Lisa McPherson was doing?" I thought that it was kind of strange he would ask me a question about someone I didnt know about then and thought wtf does he care it isnt any of his bussiness wtf does he care. I said nothing, and he had cocked his head of to one side and " Ah he aint nothing special." the other scientologist said nothing.... Another time I was at the CoS and I had just finished drawing a train, I was bored and was looking for something to do wondering what else I coud do to keep myself busy and quite and stay of the way. My father was talking with some other scientologist again about who know what and as I was standing there wonder what to do... my father again said something I didnt quit hear and for the most part blocked out of my head for as long as I could till recently.... he claims to have been only horse playing with this other scientologist but I know that was a lie and lied to me a lot. While standing there he was going to make me rape a cat, then the next thing I know my father was pinned against a wall in which a nail was sticking into his back, the other scientologist had rammed him into the wall. I dont know if there was a nail sticking out or not but he rammed him into it and just looked at him without saying a word... my father broke down in tears.... awwww.

On another day he said to me, "Great now I'm being investigated by Ranee Dawe" again I didnt know what he was talking about, and said nothing.

One time he had even took me out of school for a 2 days claiming I wasnt learning anything at school and that I could learn more at the CoS then I would at school. Durring these two day I was forceably taken out of school I was reporgrammed for the worst.... but then again the reprogram had already begun. I cant quit recall right now what he said when he came back up stairs from his sauna but if I thought about it long enough I could remember, but thats besides the point its what he started saying to me and doing to me while at the CoS that is the cause of my troubles and heartache. I remember he was complaining that I wasnt talking again and thought that something was wrong with me so he asked me to come over to him and so I did and he asked me if I knew that the moles I have on my right forarm are, I said no and he told me that they are the moles of Eve, and he said I was a woman last life time, I told him I was not and he disagreed and insisted I was and then he claimed to know what they actually are and told me that they are the outline points of a cat body. When in all factuality they are a constillation in the night sky. at the time he was say this all to me was holding my thumb back onto my forarm or trying to I was double jointed then when I was alittle younger and it hurt me when he was trying to see if I could still do that, next think I knew I I had seen a cats outline run into my forarm and look at me, it was the same cat the that my father was later to buy for my stepmother whom he had met earlier and brought to scientology to clear hear engrams and abberations that her own father had caused her by raper her, he claimed that the auditing did nothing for her and she felt no alivation from her pain and anguish. So after my father had fisished bending my thumb backwords and seeing the cat in my arm my father then askes me what beastiality is. I frowned and had got this really disgusted on my face and went into shock again and felt my mind warping as he said, but at the sametime he asked he I heard someone else cut in before him and add on to his sentance to me that said, " What is Adam's Dad doing making Adam preform act of beastiality." And I was kinda blown away by all that and even more confused about what my father was say or what he was really saying to me. I didnt care to answer and psychologialy disturbed by the fact that he asked me that... I wondered where Kami was my step mother and she popped up behind him and said here I am and just looked at me with this smile on her face.... the rest of the other scientologist did nothing but just watched.

On the second day out of school bored and alone at the CoS I decided to do some writting I was thinking of writing an idea down for a script a play or movie if you will. Some of you may or may not believe what I am telling you, personally I don't care you don't, if you do thank you. What I had wrote is here at this link http://www.xenu.net/archive/OTIII-scholar/ I can explain to you what I had ment by what I had wrote then and will. When I had wrote that I was about 5 or 6 and at the time I had wrote it I felt as if there was an incredible about of pressure on me and I felt as if I was under stress and someones watchful eye, and I didnt fell like myself and while I was writing it I was extreamly worried about my spelling and grammer and only to wind up making mistakes anyhow and finding myself being over powered as I wrote it, it was a very strange sensation and I didnt like it. Yet no one at time I was writing it at the desk in the open at the CoS in Winnpeg, was visible to me everyone was either doing a drill an audit or learning LRH tech. My father from what I recall was doing something in LRH's office at the time.

Data (1) (1)

Data, was to be the title (1) respresented the Act one, scene one.


The head of the Galactic
Confederation (76 planets around
larger stars visible from here)

self explanitory, 76 because it was the year I was born, 1976.

(founded 95,000,000 yrs ago, very space opera)
time frame of place, notes for later elaberation, very space opera ment long winded and drawn out more or less boring intro to the story line was to be with lots of action and narration of events leading the story.


solved overpopulation (250 billion
or so per planet) -- 178 billion
average) by mass implanting.

Mass implanting was actually to be written as mass replanting as in moving people from one planet to a new unpopulated one, also part of the intro.

He caused people to be brought to
Teegeeack (Earth) and put an H Bomb
on the principal volcanoes (Incident 2)

Incident 2 was actually to be writen as Act 2, one of the mistake I had while writing it and my forarm felt funny and strange. TeeGeeAck was actually TheGeekAck but changed it to TeeGeeAck as not insult anyone.

and then the Pacific area ones
were taken in boxes to Hawaii
and the Atlantic Area ones to
Las Palmas and there "packaged."
His name was Xenu.

Xenu was to be the main character and was the underlining heroin and also antagonist for these H-bombs where to be used to kill the criminals of the people that he had brougth to TeeGeeAck.

He used renegades. Various misleading
data by means of circuits etc.
were placed in the implants.

The renegade where the rebels of the Confederacy that were fighting for good but were viewed as bad... giving false information to the confederacy and there was going to be a malfunction in the computer due to damage taken while under fire from a confederacy ship.


When through with his crime Loyal Officers
(to the people) captured him
after 6 years of battle
and put him in an electronic
mountain trap where he still
is.

Xenu was to be captured and put on trial for his crimes against the confederacy (the People) loyal officers of the Confed were to capture him and the trial would start in semi detail of the claims against him and his treasons even though he was doing what he was asked by the confederacy, after he was to be convicted and imprissoned for the rest of his life in a fake mountiine on earth this was all before man naturally evolved on earth.


"They" are gone. The place (Confed.)
has since been a desert.

They refers to the confederation and the place earth is deserted so that xenu was the only one left on this planet and was in prison in a fake moutine, he was then to escape and send a sos to his friends in space.

I had stopped after writing only a page because I started looking over what I had wrote and realising that my hand writing was not uniform and uneven but it did seem to have an eligance to it I read it over and thought it was garbage and changed my mind about it, as I sat there I started to have a halucination of sorts as I did when I was at the CoS and only at the CoS I heard a noticed someones presence near me it was of a man I recently indirectly met in court for an assult charge that was later dropped hes presence then told me that I should probably keep that and while looking directly at his invisable form I started to see the world in his left eye and began to see parts of my future as I often did and still ocassionally do, see bits of a telavision show we all know as Star Trek
the next generation and hearing a voice whine about me and what I do in my now current time frame of life me looking up things on google earth. I was sceptical and untrusting of what I was expericancing and didnt like it I dont recall what I exactly thought back to him but he knows... after only seeing bits and peices of things were non-secquitor I took the writing and crummpled it up in a ball and throw it in the trash can beside me as I often did with my drawings after I was done... the next day I went to school and all my classmated greated me with enthusiasim and welcome.. they missed me and I missed them but I had a bad time of remembering names when I was child feeling increabling dumb at time as if I was being forceable made stupid when I was try to recall names and seeing this yellow white light in a phenomal way.. the day went on and closed like any other. The weekend came and again I was brought the Cos I went out to play in the snow it was winter later on in the afternoon when I was inside and warm. I over heard an audio file again those same audio files that are on the above link loud and clear from LRH's room where my father and stepmother were. I began wondering what LRH was doing my garbage and why he was reading it aloud, but then I began to question if I was really hearing LRH because to me it sounded like Kami giving her best LRH impression and I know my father had a reel to reel and he had brought it to LRH office why I didnt know I think he mentioned that the was going to listen to LRH's no tape and he asked me to be quite and stay out of the way. After they were done listening to LRH's tape they all came out and my father started going on about what a bunch of bullshit the OT3 was how there was no magic power or anything to geting psychic powers I was later asked if I wanted to be a scientologist... thinking about what my father and already done to me and realising he wasnt quite right in the head I said No cause I feared it would only get worse if I started to actually learn anything about the tech after all why would I want to be like my father the supressive asshole that he is to me, why so I can go up to be an asshole to others and think I am above the law and supresss others into doing things against there will.. No thanks...

Now this all happend over 20 years ago I've tried to recount the events in order as best I can to my recallection there is some other phenomenal things that I have experianced due to my father and his covert use of Scientology on me.... as I stated earlier that my stepmother claimed it didnt work for them and that it didnt help I'm not sure if they were actually PTs handled because of what my father had said about LRH... but either way when they decided to go I found that I wanted to stay, nowing that my father was going to make me do those things me against my own will I was scared and worried, to be psychologically coherised into sexual activities of anykind is sexual abuse, years down the road I eventually did what my father said he would make me do. I tried not to.. I know I didnt want.. and I've been struggling with it every since then and ever since then I've had other strange phenomenal occianceses in my life precogating people and times and events since I was young....

I also went to the Dianetics center here in Toronto Canada to try and get some help for my afflections by this preprogram deja-vu Bullshit which extreamly upsets me and angers me so but no no avail they could do nothing for me and wasted only about 50 bucks on a Cause of Supression Course, and a book or two for shit I already new for shit that solved no problems for me, to meet people that only cause more headaches for me and all I see and hear from them is the're lies and head games..

Now I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and who know what else.. I'm seeing a psychologist once a week when I can, and I have made a report to the police about what my father did to me and met DC Renee Dawe, but I'm not sure if they are doing anything about it and said it would take time and that it may or may not go to trial and that my father may get up to ten years in prison, but at the sametime I dont think she believes me and she told me that all she heard was a bunch of prophecies and have not goten one responce back from any email that I have wrote her asking for information..

I want to Sue the CoS for brainwashing my father and getting him to braiwash me into beastality because he viewed me as a threat to the Org in some bizzare manner god only knows how, fucked if I know. What I do know is that scientology views is as acceptable to beastfy people whom they view as a threat how in gods name can a man view his own fleash and blood as a threat to scientology before hes done anything wrong to anyone, I want my life back and can never have that back I'm not who I was supposed to be and now I'm stuggeling to be what I want to be in my carrier and life.

Hi Adam,

Welcome. Your post is a lot to take in all at once, I'll need to read thru it again but there are lots of pople here who will at least partially understand how u feel and I sympathise with you for what you have been through and are still going through. I hope you will find the support and advise you need.

Welcome, Adam!

Thank you so much for telling us your story here.

Blessings,
Kilia

Yeah thanks for nothing....

Huh??

Sorry, its just I'm very angry about it and still am, I cant let it go and I dotn think I ever will.... I know what they did to me and I know what they put me through.. and I dont know why.. for what drawing on partitions... that dont makes sence... and yet my father thinks I came back from doing all that then. Like wtf... Hes an asshole and I'm trying hard not to be like him and I tried hard not to let their brainwashing control tech over come me, but when you have a man whos constantly berating you on everything you do and constantly reading the CoS tech for who know what, I think he said to solve his problems when I asked him.. but that was probably another one of his lies. I have no one to trust and no one can seem to help me and to make matters worse, if it wasnt bad enough that my father ragged on and suppressed me into Beastiality and other sexual acts against my will in which I had no intrest in doin, school peers of mine even back then joined in on it....

its just I dont buy it the warm friendly additude when most of my life people have been cold, heatless, mean and rude. I dont have many friends cause most friends turn out to be back stabers, thurfore I dont trust anyone and probably never will.

Thank you for posting. Exposing the church and its behaviours is a valuable thing for getting people out, and also preventing people from getting involved in the first place.

I know the position you are in. And how you feel. I was born and raised in the church and was molested on a number of occasions. The worst ones were never posted in my story, as they are very hard to tell. Its too difficult for me.

I would like to invite you to read my story, which is here:

http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?t=204


I had a lot of anger and resentment built up. It is hard to shake it. I understand what you are going through.

It has taken me years to heal.

And I think I will always be healing.

One thing that helps me is to remember that there are always people who have had it worse than myself. Its only a suggestion.

At least, in my case, I did not end up on drugs. I did not end up starving to death, or getting killed in a cult, or killing myself, or someone else.

Please feel free to send me PM either here or on the other website, if you would like a friend.

Dear AWildeman,

Bear with me if this doesn't make sense. I'm having trouble understanding written words today, so if I got something wrong, please correct me.

People just don't know what to do when they hear stories from adult children of paedophiles and abusers. It's really hard to help somebody with this kind of background if you don't have any experience. I do, so please don't be offended by what I am about to say. I am fifty years old. I was your age once. I have knowledge now that I didn't have then, and maybe you can use this knowledge to your benefit so you don't have to waste a bunch of years finding this stuff out like I did.

I believe you should make finding a good therapist a priority. I'm pretty sick right now, but you can google childhood sexual abuse resources and try to find a good group in your area. I will do this later, probably tomorrow if you are still interested. Be careful, sometimes the fox is guarding the hen house. In other words, sometimes glossy looking presentations are done by members of the paedophile networks to help diffuse the problem of people testifying against their kind. They specialize in minimizing the value of testimonials (False Memory Syndrome). I can help you spot such groups. You need to find somebody who truly validates your testimonial and will fight for you as a person. Such people are there, finding them is another issue.

The reason I say THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD DO is find a therapist is this: You need to document your story with an impartial mental health care professional. After you do this, you should find an attorney. Your therapist, if he or she is worth his or her salt, will help you FILE A LAWSUIT against your FATHER. You may be able to collect money to help you start a new life and continue therapy. I don't know about the laws in Canada, and what statute of limitations there may be on assaulting a child, but you may also have a CRIMINAL CASE. In the USA, you CAN WIN CIVIL CASES AGAINST YOUR ABUSERS even decades after the abuse occurred. If you know any body who may have witnessed any part of this, even a tiny part like an offcolour statement by your father, round them up and get them to go on the record about it.

You really won't need money, your therapist should help you with this. Canada has a great health care system, and you might be able to find free therapy, or therapy on a sliding scale that you can afford with your income. (Just avoid anything even remotely associated with McGill University because they have a seedy history in terms of black government mind control projects done on unwitting mental health care patients. Last time I checked about a decade ago it was "spook city" there.)

Not all Scientologists are paedophiles, and not all shrinks are bad. Some are very very good. If you get one that doesn't understand or doesn't want to help, write here again or PM me. I can help you find someone who will do you right.

Try to find others who have had similar experiences to vent with. I have had such experiences. Boy, my Dad was a total pervert who lived to hurt people in any way he could. Along with the rest of his spook cult friends, he did a lot of damage to a lot of people. In my mid twenties my shrink tried to talk me into suing his arse off and he offered to testify against him since he was also my Dad's shrink. He was a great shrink, too bad he's dead or I'd give you his number. You need a good shrink.

Don't be afraid of finding a shrink. If you avoid getting psychological assistance you are doing what Elron wants you to do.

Remember also that even if a shrink prescribes it, you do not have to take meds. If you get a shrink who prescribes meds before knowing you well, DUMP HIM OR HER and get one that likes to talk and cares about you as a person. There are all kinds of shrinks just like there are all kinds of Real Estate Brokers. Some want to warehouse you on drugs or rip you off, some really want to help you. All you need to do is find one of the latter kind, and I guarantee your life will really take a turn for the better.

Especially if he or she helps you stick it to Scientology or your freakshow of an old man. He should be held responsible for what he did. Right now, the only person bearing the burden of his actions is YOU and that is not right.

Take care, keep posting or writing about your experiences. It will help you blow off your anger productively and safely and clear your head.


Love,

Os

Hi there Os Wilkes,
Thanks for the info and your support..
After I made a statement to the police here in Toronto I was reffered to victom services and was then ref'ed to a psychotherapist but he told me after my 4th viste that my case is abit more complicated then he knows how to deal with and then subsequently ref'ed me to a Psychologist. So now I'm playing the waiting game and have to wait about 3 more weeks before I am contacted by his office for an appontment.. I am hoping to get the help as you mentioned from him or her.... regardless of what meds they may or may put me on for I may need them and may have a chemical imbalance of my own, I dont know. I do know I have been depressed for a very long time pretty much since those incedents at the CoS in Winnepeg, and was even more depressed after I left home and then got involved with the wrong crowd and people.... and had even more problems introjected unto me..... so on that note thank you for your concern I apperciate it. I am looking to do both sue my parents and scientology... for it wasnt for there inductronaton I'm postive my father wouldnt have done that to me... but then again its hard to say I was a mistake anyhow.... I'll keep in mind what you said.

oh and one more thing sorry about any spelling errors I know my spelling kinda sucks at times.

Dear AWildeman,

Only poopoopeepeeheads complain about spelling errors in other's posts. I don't think GW Bush spells as well as you do, so your spelling is OK by US standards.

Anyhow, if your doc prescribes meds and they help you, then by all means take them. I have been helped by psyciatric drugs in the past, but I have seen people go down by the bow while taking meds referred to as SSRIs. You need to be vigilent and make sure your drugs are really helping you. If you don't see improvement in five or six weeks, complain complain complain. If you get side effects like mania or restless legs or creepy crawlies, complain complain complain. If you develop a tolerance, complain complain complain. Some drugs work for some people but not for others. Unfortunately, doctors often think they should work for everybody because the drug company says so! DOH!

It's better in Canada, where drugs prices are controlled and doctors don't get kickbacks for prescribing them. It's a huge mess in the USA. That's why I warn people. I know I sound like Elron, but it's hard to find a good doctor in the USA when you are on managed care because the game is rigged to eliminate good doctors because they are bad for the bottom line. So here, a lot of people are given drugs whether they need them or not because it is cheaper than psychotherapy.

About growing up with nutters:

I hope you keep in mind that whatever Scientology or your Dad did to you was about them, not about you. I know these experiences shape a person, and colour their lives. But it's over now, it's over forever.

One of the hardest things to do sometimes is to allow ourselves the freedom to be what we are instead of what people have told us we are. You are a brilliant, shining star. You were born perfect, with wonderful talents you were not allowed to express. You are like a prince who was displaced from his throne by an manipulative chancelor who wanted the kingdom for himself. Reclaim your kingdom, and fuck all those greedy crooks.

Godspeed in your recovery!


Love,

Os

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. Reclaiming my kingdom is what I'm tryin to do..

Personally I think RLS is bullshit and an excuse for drugs...

Again I'll keep what you said in mind

Wilkes,

Great job in sharing your experience, strength and hope.

I would differ slightly with you on this advice:
Remember also that [b]even if a shrink prescribes it, you do not have to take meds. If you get a shrink who prescribes meds before knowing you well, DUMP HIM OR HER and get one that likes to talk and cares about you as a person. There are all kinds of shrinks just like there are all kinds of Real Estate Brokers. Some want to warehouse you on drugs or rip you off, some really want to help you.
..as I think that people should find a good doctor and follow their recommendations to the letter, in order to give those "recommendations" a chance to work. There should be no crime or shame in going on meds; they are meant to stablilize a patient and relieve suffering so that the therapy can take place. They don't have to be forever.

But perhaps I quibble... and once again: thank you for sharing your good advice and hard won experience in this area.

Dear Roan,

I thank you for the kind words. We don't really disagree on this, I wasn't being fully clear. Your advice is good and necessary, but I do find it important to warn people about the shortcomings of the health care services they may encounter. Don't know about Canada, but I am told that AWildeman will have some of the best care in the world available there, so he will probably not encounter the problems I am making general caveats about.

I have taken the liberty of covering this subject more completely on the UFOria board rather than walk over this thread. Would you care to join me to discuss it there? I would take that as a personal favour because Smitty and I are trying to determine if it's true that people cannot post on the public forum there.

Here's a link:

http://vimanataxi.com/uforia/viewtopic.php?p=4245#4245

Thanks again~!


Love, Gratitude and Respect,

Os

AWildeman,

Maybe you could search for a psychologist that has experience with ex-cult members? This might make a big difference.

Wellspring Retreat may be able to help.
http://wellspringretreat.org/index.php
(the retreat is in Ohio though)