A Life built on Lies because I could not face the past.

[tamasin-sp]

The Life boat drill.

We had to do a life boat drill in case of emergency, the life boats had to be lowered down into the sea. Its a good job it was only a drill as one lifeboat wouldn't move.Some crew members were getting hot and bothered trying to lower the boat over the side.There was some kind of winch system that lowered the boat, it did not work Never dawned on me at the time,but on reflection,scary stuff,in an emergency at sea and the lifeboat can't be lowered.

One boat was finally lowered and we had to climb down a rope ladder into the boat. Many crew including children had gone down,with my fear of heights and it being about 30/40ft down, I panicked.In fact I got quite hysterical,so Molly( not her real name)was very patient and kind trying to coax me down the swinging rope ladder.All the while Molly was looking around worried and explaining' I had to calm down or could get into trouble'. Finally I sobbed my way down the ladder,to a big applause from the rest of the crew.Thankfully I never had to repeat the exercise.

The parade and uniform saga.Renaming the flotilla.

In Corfu we were having the official renaming of the ships.The messengers were measured up for uniforms.We were to have a big parade on the dock,with Greek dignitaries coming.We all had to look smart.Our uniforms came,but my skirt was missing.Molly kindly lent me one of hers.It was very long and she said i could sew the hem up,but i was not to cut the bottom off.I had never sewn before and after a couple of attempts and having this thick tuft of material at the bottom of the skirt,I unpicked my sewing and cut the bottom of the skirt off. Unfortunately I cut off too much.Stupid really but I didn't think Molly would notice,she kinda told me off, but was smiling.I did feel really bad though.On the day of the parade,I spent the whole time trying to pull my skirt down,it was a micro mini.So much for looking smart.

In the lead up to the big day of the renaming ceremony, we had to practise drilling on the dock.Hubbard wanted it perfect, so on a few occasions we had to all line up in sections of rank. On other occasions in my job as messenger I was toing and frowing between Hubbard and crew to check all preparations were being made.I don't recall exactly but some crew were making some sort of wooden contraption that had to be finished on time, this involved a lot of running backwards and forwards between the crew and LRH.

Again, I can't remember whether it was a rehearsal or the real thing, to me it wasn't of much consequence. Mary Sue Hubbard had to christen the Apollo with a bottle of champagne, but every time MSH threw the champagne it failed to hit the ship.In the end another male Officer stepped in to help, with a bemused look on his face. The one thing I do remember is MSH seemed embarrassed and it occurred to me she was human after all, something I had failed to see before.

The upper decks were gleaming, a big buffet had been prepared. Pomp and ceremony were lavishly employed for the renaming of the 'Royal Scotman' to Apollo,we stood on parade awaiting the arrival of the Greek dignitaries. The Greek national anthem was played, salutes given by the loyal officers as the dignitaries were taken aboard "the sanest place on earth" the renamed good ship 'Apollo'.Whilst seated on the deck,a speech given by LRH, lavishly praising the Greek government and the inhabitants of Corfu, this was one of the biggest shows on earth to gain approval for Scientology to set up home in Corfu.

And meanwhile, the crew lived in squalor and the overboardings continued.
_________________
Look at our brokenness.
We know that in all Creation
Only the human family
Has strayed from the sacred way.

Teach us love,compassion,honour
That we may heal the earth
And heal each other.(part of an Ojibway prayer)

[tamasin-sp]

The Shrinking World of L. Ron Hubbard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_w-YWwC1lI
Do the crew look happy to you?

Specifying whats bad.

Authoritarean Control.
People locked up.
Sleep depriviation.
Lack of food.
Squalid berthing for most crew.
Overboardings.
Mental manipulation.
Humiliation.
Degradation.
Sec checking.
Disconnection.

And, all the while being made to believe its all your own fault.

"YOU, PULLED IT IN"

Yeah, well now I am spitting it back out.[/u][/b]
_________________
Look at our brokenness.
We know that in all Creation
Only the human family
Has strayed from the sacred way.

Teach us love,compassion,honour
That we may heal the earth
And heal each other.(part of an Ojibway prayer)

[tamasin-sp]

Apart from Tunisia, Corfu and Denmark, I remember very little of any where else we were,one day blended pretty much into another, except for major incidents that left me wondering what the hell was going on.

One time Janis and I were walking across the deck, quite a lot of people were about on deck, a few officers were together arguing , as we got nearer, I could see a little girl, about 4/5 years of age, just her shoulders and head sticking out of a hole in the deck. A metal grill was to one side and this little girl was filthy, her face red with crying so much and covered in snot. At first I thought she must have fallen in, but what was weird was no body was getting her out. The surrounding officers were arguing about what to do. We even asked what the matter was and were told to move along, which we did, I can't speak for Janis, but when high ranking officers told you to move, you did.

Another time, three men were in a lower condition, they were locked in what appeared to be old cattle stalls or some such thing. There were mettle grills up to the ceiling, so you could see inside. I'd never been in this area before, .It was a bit like a prison, I was told they were in there because they had been found in the possession of drugs. I was extremely confused, especially as I knew one of the men quite well and really liked him. He could see I was very confused and afraid, and told me it was alright, he knew I was not allowed to speak with him and not to worry it was ok.He told me everything would be alright.I never saw him again.I'm certain this man was Bill Dietch, unless of course he had an identical twin. The problem was, everything was not alright.

Sometime after the the renaming of the Apollo, we had a russian submarine dock right next to us.Janis, Claire and myself went on board to have a look round.Molly had told us to be on our best behaviour as we were representing the "Apollo".We were quite excited at the prospect and donned our full Sea Org uniforms.I don't know what I expected but it was pretty boring, we were only allowed to see a small part of the interior, our guide, a russian officer was so deadpan the whole time, there was little,if any conversation as he did not know any English.We girls kept giggling as it was a wasted exercise in PR.

Quite often my duties consisted of sitting outside LRHs office waiting for a message to relay or to go and get someone. When LRH was busy recording or writing, long periods were spent just sitting there in the semi gloom.It was a hell of a job to stay awake. On a rare occasion someone would come along, but most often my orders were no one was to disturb him. I couldn't actually hear what he was saying when he was recording, it was just a mumble with the occasional loud word. Marysue often came out of her office which was situated to the left of LRHs, more often than not she would just listen and then go back into her office without saying a word.Sometimes she would ask me what he was doing and sometimes she went in to talk with him.She always seemed so cold towards me and I often wondered what I had done to upset her,

Both LRH and MSH offices were off a small room, like a large hallway or reception area, this is where I would sit opposite LRHs office door.On more than one occasion Otto Roos came and insisted on seeing LRH.The first time this happened I remember really clearly. My orders were LRH was NOT to be disturbed under any circumstances. This very tall Officer appears towering over me and tells me it is very urgent that he speaks to LRH. I told him he couldn't, those were my orders.He asked me when he thought he would be able to and I said "I didn't know"."Okay" he said and went off. Two minutes later he reappeared and said it really was very important, again I told him "No". There I was this little girl of 11 years old, about 4ft 8" tall and I'm telling this really tall looming precense in full naval regalia "No".I was obviously not very convincing as Otto said he would take full responcibility, so I would not get into trouble, but he had to see LRH straight away, and proceeded to walk right past me and knock on LRHs door.I instantly thought we're both in for it now.Otto gave me a sort of half smile as he went in and I cringed waiting for LRH to start shouting, which he did.I couldn't hear everything that was said, but a very heated arguement ensued.

I didn't get into too much trouble but it was reiterated that when LRH said he did not want to be disturbed, he meant it.

Sometimes I would find myself sitting on the opposite side of the top deck, outside of the cabin areas.As far as I was aware auditing was taking place.I often used to think what was that all about?It struck me as a very strange thing to do.Ever since I'd first seen an e-meter at St. Hill, I had thought it really weird.Whether through things I had overheard adults talking about the e-meter or watching people on the e-meter or questions asked on the e-meter I was convinced that this machine knew everything you were thinking.It wasn't that I had anything to hide, it was just that I didn't want any machine knowing what was going on in my head, the very thought was so creepy.This brown wooden box (thats what they were back then)that had a dial with a needle in it that moved and a person was attached to a couple of cans was to me the weirdest thing I could imagine.So I would sit there for hours in the dark, just small lamps lit up on the decks wondering what on earth was going on in the cabin and I could never come up with an answer.

One night after I had been sitting there for hours on end, nodding off and jumping up alert, pacing the deck trying to keep awake, afraid I would be in trouble if I got caught sleeping on the job, finally LRH came out, in one of his better moods, he apologised, he had forgotten I was still there and sent me to bed.I was out like a light when I got to my bunk.

I never got caught nodding off, but I have no doubt in my mind that if I had I would have been in big trouble.
_________________
Look at our brokenness.
We know that in all Creation
Only the human family
Has strayed from the sacred way.

Teach us love,compassion,honour
That we may heal the earth
And heal each other.(part of an Ojibway prayer)

[tamasin-sp]

There were a couple of big events on board the Apollo, not sure exactly what we were celebrating, the decks were crowded with people. At one of these events LRH was up on a podium giving a speech, as usual he kept everyone waiting for what seemed like an eternity. There was raptuous applause when he finally made an appearance. I don't remember the exact speech but it was about Scientologys expansion and how we were winning. Global obliteration of psychiatry was also on the agenda and it was the word 'obliteration' that worried me the most. Another time, or it is possible it was the same time, there was a party going on, everyone seemed to be happy and having a good time, then something really weird happened, there was this woman on the deck, about 15/20ft away from where I was standing.She wasn't happy or smiling, in fact she looked befuddled, confused. She was filthy, barefoot and wearing a thin summer dress, her hair hung in streaks around her head, someone near by me whispered "this is disgusting". The revelry that had been going on died down, I just stood there staring, I did not know what to think. Before I knew it she was gone and everyone was told to get on with the party, which they did, but I'm pretty sure some people were shocked by what they had wittnessed.

Christmas came and went as a non entity, I can't remember whether New Year was celebrated or if that was the year before. Celebrations seemed to be non existant unless it was specifically for a Scientology event.

The day my Dad came and said he was going away on a mission, I was devastated. As it was I saw very little of him, but at least knowing he was about made a small difference to me.I stood there on the deck, tears streaming down my face as he promised he would be gone no longer than three weeks at most.I thought be a big girl, three weeks isn't very long.He couldn't even tell me where he was going, everything was top secret. Such was the world of L. Ron Hubbard.

A couple of weeks before he went away, we had gone out for the day, roaming the streets of Corfu. Dad took me to see Finians Rainbow, a truly magical film and for a short time at least put aside all my worries about the life we were living aboard the Apollo, On the way back to the dock, we munched on chips and chatted, I told him of some of my fears,mainly about the overboardings,it scared me, he made me promise to never talk about these fears to anyone else.I promised and told him I already knew to keep these things to myself. I didn't know it then, but apart from a few brief minutes on the decks of the Apollo when my Dad said he was going away, I would not see my Dad again for years.

In Scientology there are a list of 'conditions' assigned for either being upstat,at the top of the list or the lower conditions for mistakes made or bad behavior.These being:Liability, Doubt, Enemy or Treason, Non existance.

The Liability formula: a person has to do physical degrading work,followed by a writeup of the actions completed for each step of the formula.Then you have to ask permission to rejoin the group,by gaining signitures of said group.There are 'Yes' and 'No' columns.If the majority of the signitures are in the 'No' column the person has to redo the entire formula until the majority of the group have signed the 'Yes' column.

Janis and I had been out for the day, on Libs. We had had a great time, through the course of the day we had met up with some Greek boys we had a lot of fun talking to them as they knew no English and we knew no Greek.One of the boys we liked especially, he was called Casper. They walked us back to the entrance to the dockside. by then it was dark and we were about half an hour late, once on board we were seperated and handled by Ethics.It was thought we were a security risk "what had we divulged to the Greek boys," I kept thinking "this guy is nuts", considering how little of anything that I knew anyway.With the language barrier it would have been impossible to have divulged 'Secrets'. Apart from which, I was 11 years old and Janis was 12 years old. A major threat to security?

In the cargo hold it was dark,smelly and dirty.Being children and initially not realising what we were in for,we tried to make it fun at first.It was not fun,and we were reminded of the fact.We cleaned and scrubbed and chipped.I don't recall how long we were down there but I know it was at least one night,because we slept side by side,sitting up.We were not given any thing to sleep on , nor any blankets, we had just the clothes we stood up in. I'm sure it was longer, I know we were freezing,tired,hungry and filthy by the time we were allowed out.I know it must of been longer, because of the shape I was in, when I went up on deck eventually to get my signitures to rejoin the group, my eyes hurt badly, yet it was a dull, dank day.Whilst in the hold, the only ray of 'Sunshine', was at the top of the ladder.An officer, Hana Eltringham sitting at a desk,with a lovely smile.That smile kept me going.

Whatever bit of the hold we were kept in was where the ship goes in at the bottom, curved, there were iron girders coming off the sides, we had to stand on these to scrape and chip.We had one lamp to see by and that wasn't very bright. When I first came out of the hold and had to do the write up, I was waiting to see Hana to see what I had to do, she was talking to an officer i had never seen before. He was standing there in his full Sea Org uniform,and the look on his face when he saw me, was of total disgust. I know I was dirty, tired and smelly but it wasn't my fault, or was it?

Feeling so miserable and finding we then had a write up to do was auful and I didn't know what to write, it took ages.I kept getting it wrong, it took me several attemps, it wasn't until I realised I had to lie that I finally got it right. Make it go right, right! Even though I did not consider myself to be, I had to admit to being a security risk. This was hard, because if I didn't do it I would have been back in the hold, only this time by myself, I could not bare going down there again, especially alone. By far the hardest part was aquiring the signitures.It was so degrading and when someone wouldn't sign it,it was really hard.I was told "I wasn't worthy" by Alan Vos. As if it wasn't hard enough, this knocked me hard, so much so it was difficult to approach any one else.Yet I had to do it, to get out of Liability. I remember wandering around the deck, looking for anyone to sign my paper and unusually there were few people around, it was a dull day and I was so miserable,totally numb.

From that point on, I trusted no one on that ship and knew I had to get the hell off. I was at my lowest ebb and didn't want any part of scientology any more or any of the people in it. Where the hell was my Dad?
_________________
Look at our brokenness.
We know that in all Creation
Only the human family
Has strayed from the sacred way.

Teach us love,compassion,honour
That we may heal the earth
And heal each other.(part of an Ojibway prayer)

[opter]

And you were only 11 years old.

Crazy and so sad.

Opter

[tamasin-sp]

There are only two occasions I remember being in L. Ron Hubbards' cabin.
One was when he wouldn't wake up, he was ill, or so he said. His cabin was larger than any I had seen before, a medium sized bedroom.One thing that struck me was the fact that he had a single bunk, but it was single sized and he seemed too big for it. Both Janis and I were in there and it was decided that one of us had to go and get help. Janis went and I was left waiting in the cabin.While I waited, he was sleeping. Looking around the room, there was a couple of empty bottles of alcohol by the bed on a cabinet, across the room on the floor was a suitcase, open and contained more money in it than I had ever seen in my entire life. I don't remember who Janis camer back with but we were dismissed and told not to tell anyone about this incident.The lady in question had short darkish hair,

The other time was when I found myself on a day time shift, something I was not used to. I had to go to LRHs cabin and help him get ready for the day.He already had someone in attendance, Ken Urqhart, who was a sort of butler/valet. It was his job or hat to show me what I had to do. LRH had already had a wash of sorts at the small sink and was now sitting in a chair, where I was expected to wash his feet. I was uncomfortable about it as I had never done anything like this before. It was Ken who told me not to worry, I would get used to it.After washing and drying LRHs feet, who was sitting in the chair with just a pair of underpants on, I then had to dress him in a certain order. On this particular day he had a meeting of some sort and was wearing his full naval dress uniform. Ken showed and helped me to dress LRH on that day.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Opter,
at the moment I am just trying to get this written down, another time I will tell you how I feel about all this now. I have some very mixed emotions on this stuff.
_________________
Look at our brokenness.
We know that in all Creation
Only the human family
Has strayed from the sacred way.

Teach us love,compassion,honour
That we may heal the earth
And heal each other.(part of an Ojibway prayer)

[Sea Horse]

An 11-year-old washing and dressing an older (unrelated) man. Some would call that child abuse, nowadays.
_________________
We are the architects of our own lives. Design and build the life you want.

[tamasin-sp]

Quoting myself here: