My Comming out.. STORY

[Changed being]

I wanted to share the rest of my story up until just recently just to let everyone know what happened to me since first posting in 2006.
(Some things like names have been edited.)

This has been my journey in the past few years with just some of the history of events that led up to various stages of harassment from my Scientology side of the family and some of the hardships that I had to endure to be independent from my Scientology family.

In 2005 I lost my Step Grandmother who was an amazing support she let me live up north of the city (Toronto.) at her cottage rent free for three years with my partner after I had come out to my Aunt as being gay and also had spent 5 years in the Sea Org suppressing the fact that I was gay. I also grew up with two Scientology parents from the age of 2. My Step Grandmother (not a Scientologist.) had no problem with the fact that I was gay. My partner and I were together for over three years. My step mom (a Scientologist) moved me to the city with no job, no High School and no money after breaking up with my partner. I remember clearly that I didn't even have money for toilet paper, this was entirely due to my step mom who after a heated argument where I said I had read the "confidential" OT levels on the internet and that Scientology was a farce and was only there to make money, she managed to convince my Aunt (Her sister.) and my Uncle (Her Brother.) who had power of attorney over my grandmothers estate to kick me out of the cottage up north. I was going through a heavy depression after losing a close friend to suicide and was having symptoms of Psychosis. Later after going to hospital and various medications I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I had a lot of Paranoia had a hard time trusting people. I had quit my job due to this and moved to the city.

As far as love goes, I had incredible trust issues when I came out of Scientology! Always felt I had to watch my back not be vulnerable and weak so when it came to falling in love it was difficult. Doing street drugs made it worse, but eventually with persistence, the boyfriends I had managed to gain my trust. I was usually the one to break up; relationships were hard though I never really had any major flare ups or arguments. I always seemed to be able to communicate and resolve things or be totally passive, but the trust issues and sometimes paranoia were hard to deal with. Love when it came to family was another entire subject, I could write about that for days. I never had unconditional love from either of my parents I had to earn it and even at that Scientology was at the centre of their attention, not to mention the whole idea of being "Upstat" and not be "Out exchange" in order for them to love me was utter garbage, in a nutshell they groomed me to be a perfect obedient Scientologist by doing this. On the other hand my non Scientology Aunt & Grandmother showed me what love was, along with the caring foster parents that I had when I was a baby, so deep down I knew how awful my parents really were, also not to mention how Hubbard's writings about how to raise children were flawed, other than to create perfect little Scientologists.

I managed to find a job doing telemarketing and got settled into my new apartment after my Step mom moved me to the city, but after a while I was having even more symptoms of depression and paranoia. I had been seeing a therapist at the time but she was just a MD who did talk therapy and didn't know what she was doing. She got frustrated with me for missing appointments and was really looking for a reason to drop me as a client, which she did. I lost one of the only supports I had and this made matters worse. I ended up meeting a person and began to smoke pot heavily and party a lot as a way of coping; I quit my job in telemarketing and stopped paying my rent. This is kind of where things got a little strange, my Dad eventually paid my rent, but I didn't give him my Landlords telephone number or address. I realized at this time that possibly they were Scientologists, I just had this feeling. I knew they were not listed in the telephone book because I looked as well as looking them up on the internet. Somehow my Dad got in touch with them and paid my rent. I wondered how he did this and a month or two later I was having a shower and I was electrocuted in the shower, I was not hurt badly, just shaken but at the time they were doing Reno's downstairs. I called 911, but I decided after talking to the operator that I was ok that I didn't need an ambulance. But a few mins later the Landlord showed up and wanted to check the smoke alarm somehow he knew I had called 911. Something was up, My Step mom was the one who found the apartment in the paper and it was a real nice place. It was a self contained apartment that was on top a garage in a great neighbourhood, I kind of think it was too good to be true but didn't realize that until later.
I applied for social assistance, and they wanted me to apply for Disability but I didn't think I needed it at the time. I received a letter from the landlord that they wanted to kick me out, it was a little less direct then that. So I looked for a place and found a nice bachelor apartment on the other end of the city in another great neighbourhood. Then my Step Grandmother passed away, I was devastated and was having a hard time dealing with it. After the funeral I stopped talking to all of my family. I was really devastated, but I got myself together and began packing up my stuff moving things on Transit and in Taxi cabs. I actually didn't sleep much and a year or so later I realized that I was manic. (I stopped smoking pot while I was moving and this may have been why, but I was still somewhat psychotic...)

I was at my new place, and thought people were trying to hurt or poison me (At one point I was actually poisoned while living north of the city with a drug called Dilantin (An Anti Seizure drug), as well as the mail box I had was pipe bombed. The police claim that it was teens etc.) When I called 911 and the police came to my new bachelor apt... They were nice and took me to local Hospital and I saw a Doctor in the Emergency room who prescribed me something to calm me down, but they made me depressed so I stopped using them. Following that I ended up walking my dog and was so distraught! I was in crisis after moving all my stuff by myself and losing my Step Grandmother, not talking to my family. I had no supports, no friends as all the ones I knew used drugs and I was trying to get away from them. I went into the local YMCA and was balling my eyes out and totally emotionally at my wits end and they, were not great as I was hoping I could talk to someone like a counsellor, but they said they were going to call the police and I could talk to them. I walked outside and sat down with my dog, still crying I noticed that there was a truck idling on the street and I thought that perhaps this was a sign. So I walked over and got in and drove away, I ended up on Canada’s busiest highway doing over 220 Kilometres an hour, because I thought the “world was ending” I smashed into a car along the way to saving someone I had only just met a few weeks before, again from the “end of the world.’ This is where I got in trouble with the law.

Ok... so after I took the truck and was arrested I ended up in a town outside of the city, in the psych ward. This was only a band aid solution at the time. I now had criminal charges against me and I was still in the middle of a move and my dog (Which I had with me when I took the truck) ended up at the local SPCA with a nice lady who called me in the psych ward and wanted to know my dogs name. Luckily I had a Foster parent who lived in the town, (I had been in foster care when I was little and we had kept in touch and she had helped me come out.) I got her number and called her, I don't remember what I had said on the phone but I was not well. She came over right away with her partner and brought me cigarettes, a teddy bear, and some markers and a book for writing my thoughts in. I was able to recover and she saw me a few times after that to make sure I was ok.

One thing that was very clear upon pondering my experience in custody was that even though I had been arrested and handcuffed to a hospital bed, was that I was still able to have rights such as going to the washroom, food was provided. There had been times in the past when I was a child and an adult where I was forcibly confined in an auditing room/ session and was not allowed to leave because the session was not complete, not to mention I could not eat, or go to the washroom. The Police and Hospital staff treated me with respect even though I had allegedly committed a crime, I had a right to my own thoughts and was not stripped of my own identity and retained my individual self, unlike Scientology Indoctrination of Ethics and Justice.

After I had my two week stay in the hospital, I went home and faced my move, I still was not talking to my family, but I had some money so I hired a local guy who had a van and moved the rest of my stuff all by myself. A few days later the nice lady who I had talked to over the phone about my dogs name while I had been in the Psych Ward brought my dog down, she didn't want any money for looking after my dog and only wanted $10.00 for gas, so I gave it to her. I now had the rest of my stuff and my Dog and I was doing a lot better, after being put on a new medication and a reduction in my other meds. I also managed to get follow up care with a Psychiatrist.

A couple weeks later I had to appear in court, where my accident took place. It was a small town and the lady who looked after my dog, a complete stranger at the time had offered her support and said she would go to court with me as I was estranged from my family. My new friend picked me up at the train station and drove me to the court house. She even offered me some granola bars and other goodies while I was in her vehicle which made me more comfortable and even though it was a small gesture I will never forget that small detail.

Court was terrifying, I was so nervous but this stranger who had cared for my dog was really good and she suggested a good lawyer that they had used before when a family member of hers was facing some charges. I met the Lawyer at the court house and he seemed nice and suggested a course of action.

About 4 months later in January of 2007, I was evicted out of my bachelor apt; I had not given the landlord my last month’s rent and didn't have the extra money to pay it, so they evicted me. I ended up finally talking to my aunt (My step Mom`s sister) and she arranged to rent me a storage unit and I put my stuff in storage and moved in with a guy I had met through a gay friend of mine. Later I found out while I was staying on his couch that he was a registered sex offender as the police showed up one day and searched his apartment. I had kept in touch with my other friend, and she helped me out by taking in my Dog again while I lived on this persons couch.

My friend the one who was looking after my dog had mentioned to me that her daughter had a mental illness and ended up doing a program in Hospital for young adults with mental health issues. My friend said the program was residential and I could stay there and do the program but I would have to get a referral from my Psychiatrist. So, I talked with my Psychiatrist and he seemed to think that this program would not be suited for me, I had to convince him that it was and after about three weeks he finally put in the referral. I was living with this registered sex offender and things were not going well, he was intimidating and controlling and wanted me out of the apt three nights a week even though I was paying him $300.00 a month to live on his couch. To make matters worse the registered sex offender had no telephone and my cell phone was cut off due to non payment of my bill, as I was on Social Assistance and barely had enough money to pay for food, so my ability to communicate with people who could support me was very difficult. Eventually I got a call via my aunt who had now become more supportive of me and went to the Hospital out in Whitby (Suburb of Toronto) my aunt who I had begun talking to and getting some support from, drove me out there. I had an interview and things went well, but I was placed on a wait list and it may be another month of living with the sex offender before I got in. I was so angry about everything that I wrote and posted my story on Xenu.net but didn’t mention anything about my current charges and the fact that I was homeless. I felt so betrayed and very angry and needed to vent.

Finally I got so fed up with the sex offender, my friend managed to find me a place to stay up near her with a friend of hers for a little while, so I went up there. Just before I went up there I got the call I had been waiting for, I was going into the hospital in about two days. This was welcome news! At the same time the stranger who had been looking after my dog had now become a great support and friend helped me out with my application for disability support. I had to get a lot of forms filled out by all my Doctors and had to do a write up about how my illness effects me and some background history, I included a lengthy write up about Auditing, the Sea Org and also how my parents took me out of High School so I could join the Sea Org when I was a minor and the fact that I had little and a very broken up education to say the least, also included was how this all effects my wellbeing and mental health. This was all handed into the local branch of the social services arm of the Provincial Government for adjudication/approval.

The Hospital was great, I had all the support I needed, a Social worker, Psychiatrist and 24 hour nursing staff that were there to listen. I also went to school and finished most of my high school credits in the Hospital, there were programs like Anger management and I learned about my illness, how to take meds properly, and met some great people. I also started going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and met good people there. In all I took control of my life, my meds were reviewed and I got some Psychological testing done and was diagnosed with Schizo Affective disorder (Combo of Schizophrenia and Bipolar.). I also was able to get support around housing and advocated for myself through networking to get myself a subsidized (Rent Controlled) apartment where I only pay 30% of my monthly income to rent.
Near the end of my Hospital stay, My Step Mom showed up (She had been an outer org trainee at Flag.) The first thing she did was tell my aunt (her sister) to stop communicating to me, disconnect and change her phone and email so I could not get support. My aunt refused to do this, saying that she was not a Scientologist and didn’t have to live by their rules. My Dad had also been trying to get me to move to another city and at this time was pressuring me to move because my Dad and the Office of Special Affairs at the “Church” didn't want me around my aunt because I was critical of Scientology. My Dad was entirely against me getting disability support from the government explaining to me that “Welfare.” was for downstats and “Degraded beings.” and argued with me in the car with his then fiancé. It upset me so much at that time, I had just lost my apartment, my dog and my only hope was getting onto the Disability program. Apparently both my Sister and my Step Mom were ordered to come back up to Toronto from Flag because of my posting on Xenu.net. My Step mom came and saw me in the Hospital and wanted me to remove my posting and story from Xenu.net. She said at the time that she was facing expulsion from the Sea Org because of my post.

Upon consultation with the nursing staff and Doctors at the Hospital I was given the choice of not allowing my Step mom to visit myself at the Facility, I decided that I didn’t want to disconnect and despite the stress of my Step Mom pressuring me to remove my post I decided to have her meet my Psychiatrist and Social worker as this was a suggestion that the nursing staff had come up with. So my Step mom and the staff had a meeting with me present, the meeting was cordial but my Step mom brought up the fact that I was on ”Heavy Psych” medication and wanted to see whether my Psychiatrist at the time was at all open to the Idea of treating me with Vitamins and Minerals. My Psychiatrist at the time did listen to her concerns and basically said that they was very little medical evidence that treating my Illness (Schizo-Affective) with a Vitamin Regimen works as effective as the medication would, but she could add a Multi Vitamin to my daily medication regime and I agreed. (Later on after I was out of the Hospital my Step mom convinced me to see a Naturopathic Doctor who I saw once or twice that my Step mom paid for, I found out later that she had thought that the Naturopathic Doctor had the ability to change and decrease my current Psychiatric medications and that was her intention. Also another thing to mention was when I saw this Naturopathic Doctor he seemed very antagonistic towards the fact that there were many Mental Health Patients who he called a “burden” on the system and he stated that these people never paid taxes!)

My Step mom, promised me the world, she was going to buy me a house to live in and also pay off my debts if I removed my post, she had inherited a substantial amount of money from my Step Grandmother. Later I realized that she had completely lied to me, just to get her way. I did write to Andreas @ xenu.net and asked for it to be removed, but he said it was not possible citing that if I had written to the Newspaper that it would not be able to be removed, he suggested if I really wanted to I could write a retraction. So I did, but in all I had found this housing arrangement (the rent controlled apt.) And after seeking some advice on this from a friend, I realized that I would not want to live in a house that my Step mom bought because there would be conditions and be under her control. But I wanted my Step Mom to pay off my debts so I could repair my credit. In all, all my Step mom did was buy me some paint for my new apt that I had arranged, she rented me a van to move my stuff out of storage and took me out to dinner once or twice, as well as shopping on Saturdays. About the time I had was living in my Bachelor Apartment I received an invoice from Flag and it stated that my twenty thousand dollar or so freeloader bill had been paid, I was so furious that my Step mom paid it off because I had NO intention of ever giving them any money after I gave them five years of my life and hard labour. I thought that it would have been better spent on my Post secondary education, it must have been some “Handling” that my Step mom went through while she was at Flag. Obviously it was her choice of what to do with her Inheritance that she received.

My Step mom made such a big deal out of what she did for me saying a couple times that I had blackmailed her into doing it and that I was out exchange etc. I honestly felt that the things she did was something that any mother would have done for her kid, especially after her kid was in an institution for 6 months, technically homeless and facing criminal charges, not to mention was left to fend for himself with little or very broken up education.

I moved into my new apartment (Rent controlled.), and had just pleaded guilty to my criminal charges on advice of my lawyer and was placed on six months of house arrest, this was not too bad considering I had been facing some jail time. That idea was very frightful! I also had to do 75 hrs of community service and also be on probation for one year. The house arrest was difficult at first because I couldn’t go any ware except to Dr. Appointments and had 4 hrs on Saturday to do grocery shopping etc. I spent a lot of my time eating, and gained a bunch of weight. I also had to get special permission to walk my dog around my apartment building. But, I actually found that this form of Justice was very different from the ethics gradients and “Scientology Justice” that I had been accustomed to. I still had retained my thoughts, was not stripped of my right to choose, and was allowed to do whatever I wanted in my new home.

A few months into my probation, I had been reporting in to a probation officer. I got this call to come into the office and see the officer, apparently my Step mom had taken the liberty to send my probation officer a copy of “The way to Happiness” as a gift for Christmas. My probation Officer said it was against their rules to accept gifts. I was UTTERLY PISSED OFF by this. I explained to my probation officer what it was and briefly explained what kind of hurdles I had to jump to be gay and come out of the “Church.” There was not much said after this. My Step mom also sent a copy of “The way to Happiness” to my Court support worker at an agency that had helped me get my housing; she did this behind my back not even telling me.

I posted some stuff on my Facebook critical of Scientology l and somehow my Step mom found out about it, and she came and pressured me into removing it with my sister present, I gave in and did so. But I did argue about free speech and that I had a right to post it.
When EX Scientology Kids came online they posted a link to my story that I had written in 2006. My Step mom called me up and we made arrangements and we met at a busy restaurant. I then thought something was up but didn’t know what (I had not seen the link on Ex Scientology kids.); At this point I hadn’t posted in anything on the internet in some time just to keep the peace. After some small talk about whatever, she laid into me about it, again with my sister there to intimidate me. My Step mom and sister wanted me to write to the site administrators at EX Scientology kids to have the link removed. I flat out refused and then got up and walked away. They followed me out to the bus stop and began to argue with me and wanted me to get into their car and talk, again I refused and got on the bus and have not talked to them since. It has now been almost a year since I last spoke or saw them and it was on my terms that I made this choice however; it seems like whenever I saw my Step mom she had some other agenda and didn’t really care about me, she only had her interests and the "Church's” interests at heart. My Step mom and sister have not returned to Flag since they came back here in 2007 my sister was a Flag Trained Auditor and Flag Staff. That’s why I don’t talk to my Family other then my Aunt who is not a Scientologist.

I have now completed all of my conditions set forth in my sentencing; I’m a free man so to speak. I am finally after all this, on the road to recovery and I am stable. I have now been out of scientology for 8 years and gone through unimaginable emotional distress to find an identity and dealt with sexual orientation issues, lost a dear friend to suicide and depression, as well as losing one of the main motherly figures that I had, who was always consistent in her love and always accepted whatever I wanted to be. I have been through the criminal justice system and Psychiatric system only to come out the other side with more wisdom and hope for a bright future without Scientology involvement. At this point I am receiving long term therapy to deal with everything that happened both while I grew up in Scientology and all the other stuff that happened. I am doing well, and going to school and enjoying it.
I feel that I wanted to share this with the people on here because it was something that I went through and I came out the other end even stronger and more able, with a strong sense of self. I also wanted this to be on the record as to show how far Scientology will go to silence its critics by using individual family members to harass and be deceitful to get to their ends.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Sincerely,
Ryan

[truthseeker]

Thanks for that and good luck with everything.

[Hubbard's Mushroom]

Thanks for posting your story.
Welcome to Clambake.

[touchstone]

I can see why Scientologists would not want your story told-- it is a powerful indictment against the cult. Who knows how many people you will wind up helping, protecting from this cult, simply by speaking the truth in a loud, clear voice? Congratulations on all your overcoming of hurdles.

[Green Unicorn]

Thanks for sharing your story Ryan.

The hidden agenda for family support - that is so typical and so awful.

[toml]

Dear Ryan,

I must have missed your story first time round, but I have just read the whole thread - and it really moved me.

First of all, congratulations on digging your way out of a horrendous situation in which nearly all the cards were stacked against you. Growing up with a very difficult illness in an environment which is possibly the MOST HOSTILE and antagonistic to people suffering from that illness must have been terrible torture. Not a good place to find out you were gay either.

So I'm impressed by your resilience and reconstructive approach. Well done and keep on keeping on!

I'd also like to thank you for having the courage to tell your horrifying story. It has really brought home to me the totalitarian universe "mocked up" by scientology, yet so criminally combined with an utter denial of responsibility for any negative effects of their crazy"religious philosophy".

Remember, your schizo-affective illness means there's an objective medical explanation for any periods of "reduced lucidity" which you've experienced. It's not your fault.

And know that, scientologists living their dark delusion are just as crazy to an outside observer as you have been in the worst times that you describe, yet they claim to have the key to everything.

SO WHAT'S THEIR EXCUSE?

Are you "tracking", Co$?

Ryan, I wish you a long and happy life getting better by the day as you learn to handle your illness and build on your greatest decision: leaving scientology !

Love to all

TomL

Indiscreet PS: have you "reconnected" further with your birth mother? That sort of love is important...
_________________
OCMB is a place to discuss CoS and not fights among critics.
Andreas Heldal-Lund

[StevieRayFan]

Hey Ryan,

The "school of hard knocks" is the most difficult because it bangs your soul, but it gives you the absolute best foundation of all. Your thoughts and words are now a mere extension of YOU. You don't have to think back and quote fancy passages... you just speak. Doesn't mean you will never be wrong, but at least any mistakes will be honest ones. I don't think "school" ever stops or ends.

Good for you!

Tip: revenge is a waste of time... your time. Things will play themselves out naturally. So long as you are still breathing, the game ain't over!

Good luck to you!
_________________
“Oh, crip, he’s a crapple” - Peter Griffin
-----
Hopefully soon it will be:

"Oh crap, he's a cripple", and soon after that:

"Oh crap" <smile>

------

It's getting close to, "Oh Crap".

http://www.scientologydisconnection.com/

[StevieRayFan]

Ryan,

PM me if you'd like. I'll give you a number, if you'd like to talk. That would be... if you need to talk... if you'd like to talk.

Love,

StevieRayFan

aka: Paul Simmel

aka: That's my real name.
_________________
“Oh, crip, he’s a crapple” - Peter Griffin
-----
Hopefully soon it will be:

"Oh crap, he's a cripple", and soon after that:

"Oh crap" <smile>

------

It's getting close to, "Oh Crap".

http://www.scientologydisconnection.com/

[Gladiator]

[Changed being]

Wanted to let people know, that escaping Scientology is no easy task. I left in 1999 would be just about ten years now, it took me almost three years or more. I was in the Sea Org in Clearwater, Florida and spent five years of my life there. I have altimately had a tough time in recovery since then.

When I left, I was placed on watch, grouped with all the other people who wanted to leave, spent time at the Hacienda Gardens which had a large monitored fence around it and was guarded by security and my mail was read, was not allowed to make phone calls to family and if I did they would be acompanied by a secuirty officer either listening to what I said or listening on the phone. I spent monthes doing landscaping and other projects, people treated me with distain because I wanted to leave.

When I came back back to Toronto, I organized some of my freinds who were on route out lines to come up and enjoy some time up north at a family cottage, we had a fairly good time, but they knew I was gay, and purposely managed to get themselves all Cudly and flirted with eachother the whole time, they encouraged me to invite an ex girlfreind to come up with us, but supposedly she had other things to do, so I was left alone with the two Love Birds. They managed to make out and have sex in a cabin whare we all shared rooms, they did this from my belief that they wanted to make me jealous for not being straight. (The Flag Land Base in Clearwater, knew I was gay because I confessed to it in a "security Check" Before I left.)

More recently I had been in touch with a flag FSM (Feild Staff Member) Who essentially told me in writing that I would have to "have fun with being gay" for the time being as I wanted to see how far they would go to have me back. Obviously that is not the case. She used the "Higher Purpose" line with me asking if I wanted to "handle what was going on in scientology." Obviously I dont want to handle what is going on in scientology, I believe there are good people in scientology, no doubt and some of them do fantastic work, but to consider that they took 5 years of my life, essentially took my right to an education away because of that higher purpose and then to abondon me to my own faculties after I came out being gay, telling me that I was out ethics not accepting that I was gay. The Fact that Paul Haggis decided to write what he did should be applauded, its a HUGE statement to come out and say what he did, and to stand up for many Gay/Lesbian couples who wanted to have the very right to celebrate that special moment in life whare they can call themselves a true couple for a lifetime.

Recent events in scientology go to show, that this Organization is one of the most controlling and obsessive & absolutly psychotic of all the religions, to use issues from peoples confessionals to blackmail them in later life is absolutly unacceptable, if a Dr. did such a task they would go to jail and would also lose their right to practice, thus it is the foundation of TRUST that society relies upon with people in positions of autority, you wouldent expect that somone like as Scientologit who calls with themselves a "professional" in the feild of mental health through thier practice called auditing to then, reveal a persons intimate vulnerabilities. My intimate vulnerabilities were shared, who know's how many others went through this process after leaving.

Thats my two cents on the recent events in Scientology.

Ryan

[Gladiator]

[magoo1]