Hey, what do I look like, the tech department nerd?
I pay people for that. I was born last millenium, I do not understand this computer shit.
If you have any computer problem please fill out the form below and post it to one of the techies here on OCMB. Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix
it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
Before sending off the Computer Problem Report Form, please read the following: Memo from the OCMB techies:
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 passwords.
When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's electronics in it. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call Computer Support. We can fix your telephone line from here. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a techie's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what is meant by "my thingie stopped"
Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/NT/network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of biscuit crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know about the problem.
When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
When an IT person gets in the lift pushing £100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?"
When you lose your car keys, send an e-mail to the entire company. People need to know.