Super Douche David Miscavige re-releases L. Ron's lame books

mr_bad · Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 2072

OK, I realize this event was over a month ago, oh well, at least I watched it. Did you?? Yeah, that's what I thought.

As you would expect at an event this stupendous, colossal, historic, and downright nifty, they were going to pull out the big guns to re-release the books that have already been available for the last 50 years, and they did.

It should come as no surprise, these books have been completely fucked up the entire time, and if it were not for the gracious David Miscavige, we were going to go to our graves without the opportunity to completely understand whatever the hell it was L. Ron Hubbard was trying to say in the 35,000,000 words he took to define his subject: $cientology.

In order to convey what I saw on this rather smartly packaged DVD, I shall need to break it down into 2 sections.

1. THE BUILD UP

As you know, no event in $cientology would be an event, if David Miscavige didn't spend AT LEAST AN HOUR laying groundwork for how the release at the end of the event is going to be THE GREATEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED ANYWHERE AT ANY TIE FOR ANY REASON. To put it bluntly, this re-release was going to be more important than OXYGEN.

I couldn't help from getting moist with anticipation.

If you weren't convinced how important the event was, the camera man made panning shots every 5 minutes of the front row, which was a veritable who's who of Hollywood's elite. Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise were both in attendance at the same time!! I could hardly believe my eyes. In fact, I became jubilant and misty eyed at the mere sight of those two majestic BIG BEINGS. They even brought their wives. (No one was going to doubt their heterosexuality on this night--not on my watch!!)

Then of course, the dazzlingly beautiful Kirstie Alley was there. She wore a lovely flowing green dress, which she sewed her self from an Army tent--no doubt, Armani was jealous on this night.

There was also a few lesser known $cienotologists in attendance, but nevertheless, they were still extremely important based on the shitload of $$$$$ they've contributed. One of the elite fortunate on the front row was Michael Bayback, a short fat bald guy, but that's OK, he's got at least twice the charm of a doorstop. He's made a fortune promoting Nevada mining companies, and any time DM needs cash for one his pet projects, Bayback has his checkbook in the ready position.

Craig Jensen, another attendee, the tall gawky computer nerd douchebag, who made a fortune selling computer programing, was there on the front row. I wonder if drove his car with his special message to all the downstats--a license plate that reads PROSPER.

But how could I mention all these BIG BEINGS without mentioning the BIGGEST BEING IN THE UNIVERSE, David Miscavige. Yes, he looked dashing, I must say. Again, he stood in front of the blue background because it really makes his blue eyes pop, which cleverly masks his raging contempt for everyone in the room, that is, of course, until he opens his mouth.

Needless to say, the build up before the re-release fully encompassed all the reasons why people had previously struggled with L. Ron's materials, but never once was it mentioned that the real reason behind the reason was the fact that L. Ron Hubbard was a blathering idiot who enjoyed nothing more than rambling on into infinity because he loved the sound of his own voice, but it might have ruined the mood of the evening, so they didn't mention that part.

(I must admit something at this point, I skipped ahead a few chapters in the build up section because I couldn't stand listening to David Miscavige's double speak--It's when he says something, then he jumbles up the words and says the exact same thing again, except, when he says differently for the second time, you think about what he's saying, and it ends up making no sense whatsoever--I became irritated, so I skipped ahead--it's too bad you can't do this at the actual event. In other words, I understood what was going to happen about 30 seconds into his speech, and the remaining 45 minutes felt like being beat over the head with a 2x4 to illustrate a simple point--you're re-releasing books--I got it, fuckhead.)

I will say this, at one point, David Miscavige assured the crowd of 2000 attendees that they were not STUPID, and I must say, it was that assurance that made me feel a warm glow that lasted a full minute. You got to admit, this spiritual leader has a way with words.

PART 2: The Greatest Re-Re-Release In The History Of The Universe.

Here's where the evening got interesting. This is the part where the boy genius, David Miscavige, breaks down for all the ignorant suffering masses of $cientologist dipshits all the reasons why every book L. Ron Hubbard ever wrote was completely fucked up by suppressive editors, who didn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. (my words, not his.)

But, these are David Miscavige's words:

One editor was STUPID.

Another was DIM WITTED.

Another was an SP.

Yet, another was a SQUIRREL.

Still, another was BORN ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE GENE POOL. [Yes, the leader of a "religion" accused another human being of being born on the wrong side of the gene pool.]

At one point, he recommended that someone ought to find the editor of 8-8008 and REDUCE THEIR UNIVERSE DOWN TO ZERO.

Yes, he actually said all these things.

Each time he finished describing how badly a book was fucked up, the crowd leaped to their feet in a thunderous applause. It reminded me of the old days when Hitler used to whip the crowds into an exuberant frenzy--Long Live David Miscavige!!

In all, it was a lovely evening of bashing the befuddling buffoons who dared to fuck up every single one of L. Ron Hubbard's sacred writings and setting things right by re-releasing the corrected versions for a paltry sum of $3 grand.

And well, you can see now why something of this magnitude needed at least 2 hours to explain!!

At the end, David Miscavige showed clips of the Bridge and New Era warehouses where the millions upon millions of copies of all the books are waiting to be shipped to the millions upon millions of $cientologists world wide. My guess is those millions of books will be sitting there for all of eternity.

As I laid in bed last night pondering all of the amazingness of what I witnessed on the "Basics" DVD, I couldn't help from posing a mix of questions to myself:

If these books were so completely and utterly fucked up, why didn't L. Ron Hubbard say or do anything about it for 30 years while he was alive, especially when these "works" are supposedly considered to be scripture??
Huh

And if these books were so messed up, why did it take 50 years to make their long overdue fixes, and what does that say about the condition of the rest of the materials that weren't fixed?
Huh

Yeah, I know, I'm just being cynical, and I need my Sec Check. But, I do know, we can expect some more re-re-releases of L. Ron Hubturd's amazing pieces of shit, er uh, I mean scripture. You can bet on it. Better yet, get your checkbooks ready!!

mb
_________________

Jabba the Hub

magitad · Joined: 27 Sep 2005 Posts: 147

Born on the wrong side of the gene pool? Did he really say that?

Sweet baby Xenu! Ethnic cleansing or what?

And if skripture-tek has been errant all this time, how could anyone have ever said it's 'workable?'

At what point is the so-called *research* and not simply the blatherings going to be challenged?
_________________
-maggie, human being

mr_bad · Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 2072

maggie,

Yes, the leader of the Church of Scientology actually said the editor was born on the wrong side of the gene pool.

In fact, everytime he finished explaining how screwed up a book was, he made derogatory statements about the editor, and the crowd bursted into a standing ovation.

Because they are so brainwashed, I don't think they realized that he was talking about other human beings with families who were simply doing the best they could under the circumstances.

Never once was it even hinted at that L. Ron Hubbard's instructions to the editor were vague, unclear, or confusing. It was 100% the editors fault despite the fact that these catastrophic editing mistakes had gone unnoticed and therefore unfixed by the author, L. Ron Fatass, for over 30 years. It makes one wonder if the man actually gave a shit about what he wrote about.

It was all too convenient for him to say the editors were all pieces of shit. No doubt, if the editors were still around, they would have been RPFed and shoveling shit along side of the other ex-top Int execs.

He made it crystal clear that it's a David Miscavige's $cientology now, and the PTS mistake makers are to be disposed of quietly and without sorrow, or in this case, publicly derided like they were pieces of human trash.

Honestly, it would be nice to cut out each derogatory comment and string them together and put them up on YouTube to show the world what a contemptuous prick David Miscavige truly is.

mb
_________________

Jabba the Hub

jax · Joined: 27 Mar 2006 Posts: 818

mr_bad · Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 2072

jax,

I'm not equiped for something like that.

I might be able to mail it to someone that I trust with that capability.

Also, this is copywritten material. The cult would go ape shit and demand YouTube to take it down in a New York Second.

mb
_________________

Jabba the Hub

jax · Joined: 27 Mar 2006 Posts: 818

songbird · Joined: 16 Oct 2001 Posts: 3626

mr_bad · Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 2072

Songbird,

Just to clarify something, because I don't think I made this real clear.

Some of the descriptions of the book's mistakes went on for about 5 minutes. And some of the mistakes were huge! There were things like deleted chapters. Mistitled chapters. Reversed chapters. Things an author would notice in a New York Second if ever bothered to pick up a copy of one his books.

It really makes you wonder if Hubturd was popping too many pinks and greys and asleep at the wheel the entire time.

And the fact Douche would have the audacity to pounce on editor 50 years after fact says what a coward he truly is.

mb
_________________

Jabba the Hub

J. Swift · Joined: 28 Apr 2005 Posts: 8893 Location: 100 Swift Street

Hey, don't quote me on any of this:

mr_bad · Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 2072

Swift,

HOLY SHIT!

mb
_________________

Jabba the Hub

spacecootie · Joined: 15 Mar 2006 Posts: 1130 Location: Thunderdome

spacecootie · Joined: 15 Mar 2006 Posts: 1130 Location: Thunderdome

jax · Joined: 27 Mar 2006 Posts: 818

Does this mean that all of the celebrities must "retread" all of their previously "un-restored" basic levels in Scientology?
DM: (in his best Bullwinkle voice): "Hey Tom, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat"
TC: (in his best Rocky the flying squirrel voice): "Again? That trick never works."
DM: "Nuthin' up mah sleeve---PRESTO!"
*RRROARRR*
DM: "No doubt about it, you've gotta buy new books!"

Same goes for you Kirstie, John & all the other celebs who THOUGHT they were "Clear" but evidently are NOT!
You had better hope that COB RTC has finally gotten it right THIS year.
Bring yer checkbooks...

songbird · Joined: 16 Oct 2001 Posts: 3626

almondjoy · Joined: 20 Aug 2005 Posts: 497

Firstly, mr_bad...you're so beautifully sarcastic/sardonic in your explanation of DM's announcement. Thanks for the good laugh! I know that ultimately this reissuing of these books is tragic in that it's gonna cost innocent people even more of their hard-earned money but--dammit--your telling of what was on the DVD was just plain funny.

Secondly, this revamping of LRH's books seems to me a sign of desperation on DM's part. He obviously knows he can't get enough raw meat to buy the mallarky he's selling so he has to get more money out of those already indoctrinated. And--holy Xenu--are these people indoctrinated! If what mr_bad says is true, and I've no reason to think it isn't, these people can't even ask themselves the obvious questions that mr_bad posed. Well, as someone upthread did point out, if they're even asking themselves these questions it's privately. And wow...that sure sound like freedom to me (sarcasm!).
_________________
Acronym for L.Ron Hubbard: Science-Fiction Author That Achieved Notoriety = SATAN