And so here were are on 4 July 58. And why he have this fellow, ahh, goes by the name of Sponge, and ahh, Sponge has originated that that one cannot polish a turd.
Did you hear that?
I said that this fellow Sponge claims that one cannot polish a turd.
Well, uhh, I guess Sponge has never heard of a little thing that we call Scientology.
(Peals of wild laughter and a broad grin from Ron)
I am rather bemused by the naivety of wogs. They are insensate. Insensate is a fifty-cent word that means having no senses. You see, an OT, why, ahh, a nine foot tall OT like that prince of a chap John Carmichael, why he can smell, ahh, not to be indelicate...
(Wild anticipatory laughter and snickering. Left front boom camera does a wide pan of the audience, zooms in on front row. Tom Cruise slaps his knee in hilarity on cue from the floor director. Cut back to LRH on camera one.)
... not to be indelicate, but, ahh, Johnny Carmichael can smell pussy and homos from miles away!
(The entire house bursts into hysterical laughter and applause exceeding anything ever seen at a Rodney Dangerfield comedy performance. Note: Issue "Ron the Comic Genius" magazine.)
...and pussy and homos are called Anonymous!
(Second wave of gut-bursting hilarity ensues. MAA's must finally restore order using rubber truncheons and cattle prods after one half hour of excessive OT line charging)
Ahh, it seems that, ahh, well, that we have had some large amount of small injuries from comedy. And so, uhh, and so that is why laughter is not a good thing in Scientology. People are always getting injured in the humor band because, factually, thetan humor is too funny across the duh-namics you see. Humor, ahh, is best done on heavy gravity planets where the meat bodies can handle true comedy. By actual research, humor only works when one does as he will. Doing as one wills to do is, ahh, great fun actually. One can only be as funny as he can be cruel. That is why Scientology can be said to be so funny when one is in complete control of Scientology. There is only one hat that actually matters in Scientology you see. And so, ahh, why if you are not wearing that hat in Scientology then, ahh, why to use a phrase, you ain't worth shit in Scientology.
Which rather nicely brings us back to this turd-polishing business.
Ahh, David Miscavige has, ahh, has rather magnificently polished my, ahh, my rather large turds to a lustrous gold sheen many a time. The Basics, oho! Haa, ahh, haa, ho! Now there is, haa, a gleaming set of steaming, polished turds for only $5,000. Honest to Pete! If David was not such ah, uhh, such a complete scoundrel, a real chip off the old theta block, I would've, ahh, factually had him keelhauled decades ago when he was, ahh, a rude young ruffian. First time I saw him, ahh, 1974, something like that, he weighed all of seventy pounds dripping wet. Ahh, why he was standing in my shower dripping wet is quite, ahh, oh, quite another story.
Well, you Americans, ahh, you have a nice holiday. Libs are granted today to all in honor of the rather notorious R6 implant that was the motivator for the American constitution that rather handily protects Scientology. When I was, uhh, factually, writing the Declaration of Independence with George Washington, Jimmy Madison, ahh, the Federalists, and so on, why we, ahh, we all knew then that...ahh... we knew. Ahh... it is the darnedest thing, but we knew even then that Scientology would be needed in 1950 A.D. as we count wog years that are dated by the, ahh, the err, the birthday of the fellow on the cross. Oh yes, it's quite true. The first time I arrived at the exact moment of the implant to "create America" was dated at 43,891,832,611,177 years, 344 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes and 40 seconds from 10:02=BD PM Daylight Greenwich Time May 9, 1663. The second series was dated to the moment of the implant "to get Scientology tax exemption in America" I got as 42,681,459,477,315 years, 132 days, 18 hours, 20 minutes and 15 seconds from 11:02=BD PM Daylight Greenwich Time May 9, 1663.
So yes, ahh, I did create America all by myself. That is a fact and you can write it down in great big letters in your book. That I, ahh, gave the credit to the boys who wanted to, ahh, rather selfishly go down in history as "Founding Fathers" well, ahh, there happened to be a rather convenient sugar plum for me in making the trade you see. Ahh, I wrote the Declartion of Independence in exchange for tax exemption. That deal was all worked out, ahh, worked out by me centuries in advance when I was William Few of Georgia.
I did it for the few you see.
So today, to honor the Declaration, ahh the Declaration of Independence, I would, ahh, factually I am requiring, ahh, ordering, that all assembled herein join the Sea Org. I need to crew The Freewinds and Gold. I need to offload all of those old pigs at Gold.
MAA's, pass out the billion year contracts and the fountain pens!
(Terrified silence. Some people begin running for the doors only to be met by the rubber truncheons and cattle prods by the MAA's)
MAA's bring order! Lock all of the doors!
Ahh, this is going to be a very long Independence Day!
Make money. Make more money. Make people produce so as to make more money.