If you used Scientology for:

1 - Owner's manuals. There is no customer support hotline. We told you how to use our product, it always works and we are always right. What is your misunderstood?

2 - Complaint Department - You are being critical. What is your withhold against KMart?

3 - Police Control - When a group of protesters gathers, the police ask them "Did someone say you had a problem when you didn't?"

4 - Party Poopers - If someone tries to leave your party, grill them about what their misunderstood or overt was.

5 - School - Make those kids "write it up" instead of raising their hands all the time to answer questions.

6 - Holidays - Try to schedule as many holidays as possible to fall on Thursdays to prevent stress.

7 - Crunchy Os - Fortified with Niacin and CalMag!

8 - New Mark 7 automobile has a built-in emeter instead of CD player.

9 - Family Counseling - You each have your own realities which cannot be invalidated, so just disconnect at the first sign of any conflict.

10 - Radio/TV station - All LRH, all of the time!

Galileo,
I see you are at it again.

11 - Vacation & Travel Planning - You don't need to take a vacation; you've already seen the entire planet in your past lives. (Actually said to me by a Registrar.)

12 - Decorating - A bust of Ron in every room!

13 - Training Your Dog - Make him word clear "sit."

14 - Fishing - No need for bait; just use your OT powers!

15 - Astronomy - Maintain constant vigilance for Ron as he reconnoiters other planets.

16 - Janitorial Service - No need to clean all those ash trays; simply order them to stand up and clean themselves!

17 - Babysitting - Don't hire the folks who "babysat" Lisa McPherson.

18 - Bridge building - Don't even think about it.


19 - House Cleaning - Put all your BTs to work and your chores will be done in no time!

20 - Basket Weaving - A nice restful occupation for the folks who've gone psychotic on the upper levels.

21 - Baking - Play LRH tapes in your kitchen; with all that hot air, your cakes and souffles will rise perfectly every time!

22 - Sheepherding - About five percent of your sheep will be SPs, so watch out for them!!

23 - Child Rearing - Kiddies misbehaving? Just put 'em in the chain locker.

24 - Maffia - Well, they could learn a thing or two from CoS, eh?

25 - Vegetable Gardening - Tomatoes doing poorly? Pull their withholds ... or find out if they are PTS to the asparagus.

26 - Mail Service - Sec check your postman once a week to make sure he's not reading your mail before delivering it.

27 - Masquerading as a Church - Yes, well, hmmm.

28 - If Your Goldfish Dies - Say to him, in Tone 40: “GET BACK IN THAT BODY!"

29 - Bullfighting - Attack, never defend.

30 - Snake Charming - Use TR-0; your cobra will immediately go into a trance.

31 - Real Estate/Mortgage Banking - Sell someone a house he doesn’t need at a price he can’t afford. If he balks, tell him that his spiritual growth is at stake. If that fails, stand over him and say repeatedly: “Sign the check!” “Sign the check!” “Sign the check!”

32 - Cat Burglary - Consult the GO. (Yes, they are still there - "a rose by any other name...." )

33 - Asbestos Removal Specialist - Send your business card to the Freewinds.

34 - Cigarette Maker - Sit back and smile!

35 - Xena, Warrior Princess - Change your name, please; you are restimulating us!

36 - Joe vs. the Volcano - Ditto #35.

37 - Psychiatrist or Psychologist - Admit that you are a Marcab agent and step aside so that Ron's tech can clear the planet.

38 - Flagpole Maker - Send your business card to Gold Base, Hemet.

39 - Squirrel Hunters - After 'em, boys!

Good ones!

28 - Gain Financial Freedom and have Fun using the Law - Sue everyone for every imagined slight and get rich while watching good people suffer!

29 - The Mark 8 Nuclear Power Plant Safety Code - Employees are issued Niacin every day, and some CalMag to make them less stressed. No former LSD users will be employed, just psycho SO members operating on 3 hours sleep.

30 - Vacations - Give yourself locationals and do spacation, and miss the enjoyment of any scenery or fun.

31 - Travel agency - Only booking vacations to Clearwater or other AO cities, and only for the duration of the intensives you've paid for.

32 - Sports - Just running and sitting in the sauna.

33 - TV Drama - Add to "ER" Volunteer Ministers who give touch assists, and Purifs for patients who OD.

34 - Construction - Make Escher-like bridges that seem to go up but actually go nowhere, over and over again in an endless loop.

35 - Negotiating World Peace - Only agenda is to recite Way to Happiness leaflet until negotiators succumb to mind-numbing nonsense. Invade and conquer their countries while they are zonked.

36 - Animal Care - Create glycol BT dog wash that also kills fleas.

37 - Upstat Restaurant - Ramen, rice and beans, with tasty CalMag cocktail and Niacin coated breadsticks. A cup of vitamins with every meal, plus all the oil you can drink! No non-smoking section so you can puff away!

38 - Statistical Analysis - Are you kidding?

39 - Hostage Negotiator - Try to pull the kidnapper's overts while hostages get killed one by one. Say that the hostages "pulled it in." Don't arrest the kidnapper, put him on RPF until he gets his stats up.

40 - Dictionary Writer - Rewrite all definitions to conform to strict Scio indoc. "Pain is a lower harmonic of boredom." Give lengthy derivations and all sorts of background info for each word plus list at least ten sentences for each meaning. Charge $300 for a basic dictionary, because it needs to be 27 volumes to have all those sentences and LRH commentary.

41 - Nuclear Science - Just say you know all about it and say things like "Space is a viewpoint of dimension." Who needs to study worthless subjects like math and physics?

42 - Scientology in music - the tonic scale becomes the tone scale. Flats are considered to be downstat. Pianos must be re-designed using Hubbard tech so that the black and white keys are all together at opposite ends of the keyboard. All opera must be sung in space.... Spit keys (associated with most wind instruments) should be fitted to all $cientologist speakers - except in the case of Heber, where two must be fitted.

43. Geometry - where everything is triangular, except for logic and reasoning, which is circular.

the venusian traindriver

Galileo, Songbird...you're rollin! And VT..good ones, too.
Ok...let me get my non-thinking cap on;

44. Family Counseling: Ask Dr. Phil:cry:Vs Scientology counseling) who can then
for $10,000 cheaper ask, "How's that workin
for ya?"

yours are way funnier. I'll have to sleep on it


Tory/Magoo!

PS:...Hey! I got #44
My Dad's old Football number
while playing on the Chicago Cardinals!
Now
Part of my e-mail addy.



Tory/Magoo!
magoo44@att.net

45. Military - Sea Org Members and Lawyers trying to sue the enemy into submission

46. Car Repair - Find the W/Os of the engine.

47. Policing - Heber J. & Wife extorizing and patrolling the city.

48. Universities - Take over administration, fire all professors and higher Tech Supervisors and Auditors. LRH Said College degrees were worthless, he should know, he had 16 of them right? Well that is what he told everybody.

47. Doctors. Only give treatment to those who can pay lots of money.

47 continued - ... and if the treatment doesn't work, make them keep paying and paying, all the while telling them that the next level of treatment will cure them.

48. And then....once they've paid for services and those didn't work, so they paid more for more stuff to fix that, and that didn't work, and then they paid for the correction of what didn't work,
and it still didn't work, once ol Davey figured out how to totally 'fix' it, he just announced EVERYONE had to "Go back to GO" and re-do it ALL,
AND Pay for that all, too. Oh yea...and that's called "Religion" by the way

Even as a "technology," how effective is THAT?

Even the biggest technology scammers of our era, software companies, at least deliver on SOME of what they promise.

49 - Computer -

a - Blue Screen of Death tells you to type out your withholds or computer will stay crashed indefinitely. Even when you do it will demand other unnecessary actions. It will also bill your credit card number until you pay and suffer enough. (Its never enough.)

b - Message - "This program has performed an unethical operation. You must work your way up through the conditions from Enemy to use it again."

c - You must buy and install Windows 95, then the Win98 ungrade, then the WinME repair, then the Win2000 Sunshine Rundown, then the WinXP retread. You still can't do what you wanted and the computer operates worse and worse.

d - No shortcuts. You must "route" through a labyrinth of folders and dummy files to get to anything that does anything.

e - Nothing works until you do the Windows Hat, then the Mouse Hat, then the Keyboard Hat, then the Monitor Hat, then the CD Hat, then the Floppy Hat. Each course takes three months and all exams are starrated.

f - After "e" You discover that nothing works anyway.

g - All graphics are 3rd rate and amateurish. All documentation is horribly oblique and unintelligible. If you follow the documentation and it doesn't work, dictionary comes up and computer freezes until you clear the "words you don't understand."

h - Common folders have lingo names:
My Computer - My Reality
Desktop - My Universe
My Documents - Admin
Start button
Change button
Stop button.

i - Other lingo changes:
C Drive is now C Bank
Viruses are Implants
Spam Emails are BTs


j - Help Files consists of a Dictionary and some bits of cyber-junk you can drag around the desktop.

k - Mouse has metal sides and connects to a Wheatstone bridge so that you can see where your needle is at all times.

l - Computer costs $6000 and all software costs $600 per hour to use. None of it allows you to complete anything.

m - You end up just playing Solitaire on it because it is worthless for anything else.

n - Clippy, our favorite Microsoft Word buddy, is on the desktop all the time, 24/7, asking you at every mis-mouse or mis-key "I see you have made an error. What word was misunderstood?"

If you claim there is no MU Clippy helpfully asks "Who is suppressing you, and what are your overts towards that person?"

Clippy won't relent until you clear at least one word or write up your overts on at least one SP.

Oh yeah. When you clear those words you must type at least six sentences into Word for every definition. One mistake and you need to find the word in the definition you misunderstood, and do six sentences for EACH DEFINITION of that one. All other computer functions are frozen until you clear your words and get your overts off.

o - Every time you start your computer you have to listen to Bill Gates telling you what a f**king genius he is, how he has made breakthrough after breakthrough, and how Microsoft is the only way to do any computing.

p - Bill Gates includes a number of "help files" with Windows that are criticisms of Apple, saying that they are evil incarnate and do only suppressive acts.

q - Bill blames Windows security bugs on Xenu, the imaginary evil system admin.

r - Desktop wallpaper is Bill Gates talking to tomato. You cannot choose your own, but it SEEMS like you can. When you try Clippy comes after you asking for your MU. If you persist Clippy does sec check, asking if you have ever stolen, copied or pirated Microsoft products.

Brilliant, Squirrel!