Looking back.. Man! - I was a cool guy who knew everything back then... I had 'free will' and a strong belief in my own cognitive faculties. I'm not smarter than most people now... I take it to be the effects of ageing. - But getting caught up in Scientology! - Guess I have to admit that I wasn't that smart anyway...
Years earlier a good friend of mine had promoted Scientology to me. I was sceptical, but I did the H.A.S (Hubbard Apprentice Scientologist) course. An inexpensive introductory course. This was about 30 years ago... I can hardly remember.. Doing Training Routines, TR's. Other students claiming they went 'exterior'. I had a feeling like wearing a hat and my head tickling at one time. I was never able to check my hairdo from behind. Trying to lift an ashtray with mindpower... Telekinesis... Damn'd ashtray wouldn't budge! - Having it explained to me that I had to have the real 'intention' of making it do so... Well... However. Commnications and ARC* stuff appealed to me. Made sense.. I used it too..
My skeptism aside, the course was fun to do. Nice people there.
The next course was a lot more expensive, so I declined for financial reasons. Also, I thought past lives and all that was a rather tall story. I mean: What part of the word 'dead' do you not understand? - I think about 4 or 5 years went by before I did any more Scientology.
I had many interesting discussions about Scientology with my friend during those years. About the makeup of the human mind, engrams, past lives.. Humans being Thetans, and OT abilities. I read the book 'Dianetics, The Modern Science of Mental Health'. - I was still a skeptic, but I did consider my friend a rather intelligent guy. Still do. So I didn't reject the possibility that he may be right. Like me, my friend had only done the H.A.S course and read books. We were quite enthusiastic about it all and tried running engrams on each another. We didn't use an E-meter. - I recalled a death incident from a past life... My body shaking..
That impressed me. The body shaking seemed to prove something, although I considered it possible that I could have made the whole incident up with my vivid imagination.
So, in 1979, my love life sort of capsized. I felt like a useless jerk. No future I could think of was worth the effort. I'd already bought into the belief that 'stupid shit' in my 'reactive mind' was the cause of my failures.
I resolved to become an auditor. At this time believing that Dianetics might indeed be a good and workable technique. Impressed by the E-meter that made the location of emotional charge surgically precise. I wanted to help myself, and help others as well.
I didn't notice how the book 'DMSMH' persuaded me to disregard my own judgment and sanity. That's the trap I think.. When you accept having a 'reactive mind' and the mechanisms of it as described in that book.. That makes a mess of your own thinking.
I should have noticed.. It's in plain view really. I do remember the feeling of loss that came with the realization.
Anyway I was at it for real. Studying Scientology. Doing Student Hat and Auditing at Copenhagen org. I also redid the Communications course. - Had not heard much bad about Scientology really. Was a little amused by the curious and unlikely development of myself becoming a psychotherapist.. However.. It suited me fine to be on course studying until late every night.
If this thing really worked.. Wow! - I was doing something good I thought.. Good for me, and for others, when I learned how to. I expected it to take years to become good at. Lots of hard work lay before me... Good! - The people at the Org was nice. There was even a girl there, who just by being lovely, made me reconsider having a love life. She didn't notice me though.
So my 'spirits' was up doing something worthwhile. - Then the chain fell off...
One day there was a recruiting mission from The Guardians Office Europe 'GOEU' at the Org. I let myself be recruited!
Ok.. I knew about the million year contracts of the Sea Org. I took that to mean for life... Still didn't buy that with living forever. Even being drunk like tits, I would never sign a contract for life, let alone one for a million years. The 5 year contract for GO was more reasonable. And I was promised that I could continue my studies for Auditor when I had done staff training. Plus being on Staff I didn't have to pay for training. - It all sounded good.
GO orientation was the first course to study. A set of course materials designed to make a new staffmember feel welcome... I'm being sarcastic here.. Basically it explained to you that anybody could throw you out again if they felt like it. If they thought you were ugly, or for no specific reason at all. I got the impression from it that the GO was paranoid really. The organization as a whole was paranoid... Oh! - There was some good reasons for being paranoid given. Policy written by Ron Hubbard said that one in five people were PTS, ie: a Potential Trouble Source, and downright dangerous to have around. Then there was 2 percent of population who were suppressive persons. Those were even more dangerous and sometimes hard to spot because they hid their true intentions. They were the types of Hitler and Caligula. The GO were taking precautions not to get these people on staff.
Everyone was supposed to write and send 'Knowledge Reports' if someone was observed to be out ethichs or not doing something they were supposed to do. Maybe they were 'plants' from goverment intelligence or undercover reporters out to get us. You were supposed to write commendations too... The idea was that a persons pile of bad Knowledge Reports and positive Commendations in his ethics file could be compared.
The place was reminiscent of an intelligence bureau. Security was tight and felt oppressive. Staff seemed to avoid talking to each other. Apparently personal relations were out security. Telefaxes clattered in a room that was off limits for everyone. Offices were generally off limits, unless you worked there. - Instant KR (Knowledre Report) on Dev. T (Developed -unnessesary and disturbing- traffic) shot off from the hip if you asked somebody about, I dare say, anything.
I was a new guy... Expediter I think it was called. This meant that I did a lot of cleaning when not studying. A senior staff member explained to me that one way to single out good workers was to have them clean toilets. Some people could not get a toilet clean no matter the effort put in, while others could make it shine. It was a test of a thetan to make things go right!
Well... I cleaned the toilets. I could not make 'em shine. I could not make the air in there feel like supporting life.. The topcoating on the toiletbowls were simply eroded away and miscolored beyond remedy. The room was without any windows and the vent in the ceiling was clogged someplace farther up than I could reach.
So much for me making things go right. But I tried. Like everybody else I made sure to have a roll of private toiletpaper ready for those frequent instances when the GO's financial planning didn't go right. I suppose a clean ass to fart in is a test of a thetans abilities too.
I decided early that I'd never renew my contract. I had given my word and signed the one for 5 years. That would be it! - Of course there were policies that explained such a decision was unethical and indicative of evil intentions and whatnot.
I still had not lost faith though. I still aimed at becoming an auditor.
I got married. My wife was a Scientlogist and we had a wonderful little boy. Even with my hardships being on staff at the GO, this was a happy time.
I was at Sct. Hill in England to do more staff training for Public Relations. During the next 1 and a half years I became ever more in disagreement with the GO. Voicing that would have got me in big trouble of course. I began to dawn on me that staff training was endless. I probably would never get to study the auditor course I already paid for, let alone get much auditing myself.
I saw the 'DA' (Dead Agenting) packs that the GO sendt to the press in response to bad articles about Scientology. We were using articles that mentioned the bomb threat that Paulette Cooper supposedly sendt to the Church. To document that she did... Whew! - Being in the GO it was very obvious to me that we ourselves had staged that somehow to frame her. I didn't see any evidence of it, but I certainly didn't need to. I knew that the GO's Bureau 1 did those sorts of things. I had studied the policies and GO orders describing how. - I felt stupid, because anyone with a functioning brain would see what I saw in those texts.
Did I read Paulettes book? - No certainly not! - She was an SP right!?
The GODK was battling Johannes Aagaard at the time. A priest from the 'Dialog Centre' who spoke out against Scientology and other cults. They were staging a smear campaign against him. This was even more stupid. The man was ethical and no seriously bad stuff could be found about him. He belonged to the Christian Church and was right in everything he said. - He got more ammunition against us for our efforts. - However the GODK's activities was part of my stats. Thank's to them for saving my weekend a couple of times.
We didn't have much bad press in Denmark actually. No much good either. We were smug about that. The GO PR an Legal Bureau had them handled so that they didn't dare voice a peep... Sadly, that's my evaluation on that still. I've even seen recent articles in the danish media about Tom and Katie, that exclusively reported the endearing romance. Ensuring that someone in the local OSA here gets the weekend off.
What finally broke the camels back for me was some really stupid stuff the GO pulled on all staff. We were told that our contracts were 'illegal' and that we had to sign some new ones that were corrected. That we did. I think it was everyone, but then, we didn't talk about things like that amongst ourselves. The rub was the the new 'corrected' contract started same day signed with 5 years!
That made me realize that I was under no moral obligation to honour it. My superiors in the Oganization I worked for had screwed me over. They even, correctly, assumed that I would take it with no protests. Or else.. I didn't quit right away. I stewed inside over the betrayal. Worked it over in my head. There was the 'freeloader bill' to consider. My wife and kids. We had another little boy then. (Or he was on the way. I don't quite remember the sequence of events)
I started to see things differently. The GO was violently out ethics! - I had all the time felt that we did a lot of stupid mistakes, wrong target even, but I was not about to question 'command intention'. I felt that the Church did try to do right. I now considered the GO in a condition of treason to humankind.
I suddenly compared Scientologys paranoia about 'enemies' with my father. My father was dead. The last 10 years he was sick with brain damage from working with organic solubles all his life being a painter. Both 'woodworks' and an artist, he had 'sniffed' turpentine a lot. He was, without any reason, very jalous and paranoid about my mother possibly having affairs and wanting to leave him. Very volatile and would angrily 'attack' everyone over some insignificant things said.
That did it for me! - The 'psychs'. The anonymous evil bankers that owned all the newspapers who was sceeming against Scientology to destroy it. All those SP's that were 'rooted' out! - The Marcab Confederacy for crying out loud and try not to puke laughing!
In addition, the prospect of finding a proper job and making a decent income for my family was obviously what I needed to do. I still had to say anything to my wife about this. I expected her to understand and accept. I had to take my chances on that.
So one fine morning I did not show up at the GO! - I walked the streets, looking at shops. Loitering and enjoing myself immensely. The girls smiled at me and the sun was shining.
Some years later we did get divorced anyway and my wife left with the kids. I had payed my freloader bill and was getting auditing. But with no gains I considered worth the money.
With my family gone I saw no reason to do Scientology. Other than 'fear conditioning' which I felt obligated to disregard. I knew I was getting declared, but I sued the Church to get my money back anyway.
I lost the case. But then I suspected that the GO had bought both the judge and my own lawyer, so I didn't expect to win.
I was finally done with Scientology. It took me 15 years to start searching the internet. 5 more to start posting!
Amazes me no end! I'm usually not timid like that.
That's it! - Umpteenth version of this tale. But this gets posted! - I'm not anonymous in any way. I am well aware that hiding my identity would possibly be prudent, but then I have never felt the need to hide.
- My wife usually had him with her on post, but since I would just fart around with GOEU's ethics officer and doing unimportant menial work I took him. Of course the EO had an idea about convincing me to work up through conditions an all that. I was nearly twice his hight and I told him that I would be finished routing out this same day and that he didn't need any signatures on anything. Some discussion about that, ending with me coming in the next day too as I remember. The EO still could not have that I had the boy with me. He actually suggested that I leave the boy in an empty room and let him cry alone until he realized that crying didn't work! -I told him 'no way!' and that him whining bothered me considerably less than my son crying. - Next day I stayed away.
](./images/smilies/eusa_wall.gif "Brick wall"){kind=small}
. And getting starrates from foreign students was the worst--so, annoying--no offense.
